What A Girl Wants

No, this is not another post about Leonardo DiCaprio. I had a long talk last night with one of my best friends, Sarah, about a certain girly stuff: men. And that made me think about a few things that I’d like to get off my chest.

I have always been a loner, concerning friends and relationships with guys I like. I haven’t had a nice past with either of these two groups of people, and maybe that made me a loner…no, it definitely did. But what bugs me is that a while back, and sometimes these days, my (girly) friends of now 7 years seem to think I am missing out on the best thing in life because I am shy and a loner in general. Like having a relationship, getting married, having kids, a house and a labradoodle would be the only thing worth living for. Of course – what a shocker! – all my friends are either in a relationship, married or one of them even has a baby boy now (who’s the sweetest little boy ever, for real, to be girlish here). They all have plans at one point in their life to built a life with their partners, and whenever I don’t feel like meeting up with them because for me, it would somehow feel like a group-couple-meeting, I feel judged in their minds. They are not always saying it, thank God, normally they know better than that, but I know they think my rejection to them has only one reason: ENVY.

And I am so sick of this.

Here’s what I really see as the principal aims in my life:

1. Honest, reliable & true friends
To me, this is actually way more important than being in a relationship with a guy. People you can turn to when you feel like giving up, people you can trust with your whole heart and who, even when there are more than just a few bumps down the road, will always be there to help you when you stumble. And to be honest, whenever I am about to meet my best friend Kim in Hamburg or the friends I now have in the UK – among all of them Susie, Sarah, Noor & Sigal – I get more excited and happy about it than I could ever be with meeting a guy for a date (because hands down, I’m horrible at dating). This it what makes me happy.

2. A good, steady & safe job
This should be kind of a goal for every person to aim for. I could never, and will never, picture myself having no job, sitting at home 24/7, either by choice or not. After more than a week of holidays at home, I always feel like I’m going stir-crazy and wish to go back to work, to my crazy, often annoying colleagues – people who nevertheless often are what keeps me sane 8 hours a day. Plus, even when you get home after an exhausting day, you can look back proudly because you have actually done something, reached something, even if it’s the smallest thing. This is what makes me content.

3. Travelling far, often & with a lot of beautiful memories
Here’s where it gets tricky. Being scared as hell of flying is a huge obstacle on this subject, but due to a lot of beautiful memories over the past 3 years, I have found other ways to travel around, and where I plan on going in the near future, I can go by train or bus – even if it will contain hours and hours of travelling around. And although I know myself and am pretty sure I will never be able to overcome my fear of flying: you never know what might change one day after all. This is what gets me excited.

4. Making different, interesting & nice experiences
Theatre, cinema, musicals, concerts, stand-up comedy, conventions, readings – I haven’t experienced all of the mentioned yet, but basically they are my life. They are what I get excited about, what I enjoy the most, because they combine all of my passions: movies, music, series & books. They are completing me. This is what relaxes me.

5. A nice, lovely & perfect place to live
We all have that one happy place that we want to go and live at for the rest of my life. For most of my life, this place was New Zealand, and since 2012, my new happy place is the UK. I love London to bits, and I have never been really happy to live where I live now, in Germany, in the flat and city I’m currently residing in. I dream and plan to one day leave this godforsaken city and country for good and live somewhere nice in the UK forever. With all external circumstances falling together into one piece, that is. This is what keeps me going.

THESE are the things I want, the things that make me happy, the things that make me who I am. Not a guy, not a marriage, not having a family. I’m not delusional, somewhere in the back of my mind there is the tiny spot that – of course – somehow hopes there’ll be a soulmate at the other end one day. But I am not searching for him. I’m not waiting for him. One of my friends, Laura, is kind of a role model for me in that: she raises her two kids all on her own in the best way a mother could do; her kids are well-educated, polite, nice and lovely. Laura doesn’t need a man to raise them to excellent people one day – she knows women should be more emancipated than a lot of them actually are, and I just know she’ll look back on her life one day and know she doesn’t need to have any regrets (Plus, she’s an amazing writer; one of my dreams is becoming an author one day, but compared to her, I am crap. Really crap. She’s funny, sarcastic, blunt and highly entertaining, in comparison to my poor tries of writing. Check out for yourself: mysticmonkey86.wordpress.com). I’ll be perfectly fine without a partner, if that’s what the rest of my life is holding for me. I have never known anything else, and the sooner people – friends – stop seeing me in a relationship to see me in a happy place and start realizing that what I’m doing and dreaming of is what will REALLY make me happy, the better.