Female, Single, 31, looks for…

nothing anymore.

I recently, after years of absence, decided to register again on an online dating website that I had been a member of a couple of years back. I’m not even sure what exactly it was that I was looking for, or if I was actually truly interested in starting it again after my last date will be 10 years ago in January 2018. In truth, I somewhat “miss” the feeling when you get to know someone, when you text each other, have long phonecalls, the likes (Obviously, I dated before facebook, instagram, Snapchat and all became a real thing). It’s that phase that somehow has always kept me wanting to get back into it, this feeling of butterflies beginning to built inside your stomach, and constant goofy grins on your face when you think or talk about the other person.

But this experiment ended just as quickly as it started again, and this time, it will be for good. Because once again, my eyes have been opened widely.

You see, I’m not like normal 31-year old women. I don’t have a defect, I have two eyes, a nose, mouth, two hands, two feet, 10 fingers and 10 toes. There’s nothing physically wrong with me despite my horribly crooked teeth. I am not lesbian or bisexual.

But still – and this is a confession that I am making because I am SICK of the questions, of the astonishment, of the shock, and above all, of explaining myself! – I’ve not only never had a relationship with a boy/man in my entire life, no. I also have never kissed a guy in all my years. And to top it all – I am a virgin.

A 31-year-old virgin.

Whenever this comes up, I’m asked the same stupid questions: “Don’t you miss something in your life, then?” Well…no. Because how can you miss something you know jack squad about? And this one: “Well, being close to somebody, intimate. Don’t you miss/want that?” Well, duh, part of the answer I have just mentioned. And the other part…I’m not really a people’s person, so…no. Not really.

I feel uncomfortable when there are intimate scenes on TV or in movies, and I don’t get why nowadays, in all shows on TV there always have to be sex scenes between the actors, always making out scenes, to solve problems, to make up again and what not. Over and over and over, as if there is not enough other content to feel the minutes and hours with. I feel uncomfortable when friends talk about sex, about private parts and all those names that come up over and over again, because I have to pretend that I know what they are talking about, that I can easily be part of that conversation, though I somehow feel like I’m not part of the group during that time.

And up until one and a half years ago I never really thought about what that meant to people my age, what it meant for me and my future relationship status. But I had a facebook conversation with a guy that I got to know through a group on there, a guy I kind of clicked with quickly, we thought similar, and we both seemed to have gone through a lot in our life so far. It was just a matter of time until the conversation would switch to my relationship status and how long I had been single. And to be honest – I absolutely HATE that part of a conversation, with anyone, friends or strangers. I feel like an absolute weirdo, and I always picture their face when they hear it for the first time, that the only experience I have on the relationship and sex side is one single hug from a man who had such a huge impact on me 10 years ago that I have not considered serious dating ever since. The disbelieve, and, sometimes, disgust, like I am not normal. And sometimes, I think so myself, because I know it’s not “normal” in the sense of the word and in our society. And I think I know the reason why I can’t seem to go beyond that first stage of getting to know a guy before I am too scared to go further, decline dates and break up the contact. It lies in my family and school situation back when I was a teenager, and no therapy in the world will probably be able to get rid of it. And that guy on facebook? As much of an asshole some might think he has been for saying that so bluntly, I have to give him credit that he was brutally honest when he said:

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you, but if you haven’t had any experience whatsoever so far, what with being 30 and all, I don’t think there’ll ever be any experience at all for you. Because the older you become, the more difficult it will get.”

It shocked me to the core then, and I guess that is the reason I stopped being a member of the forementioned dating website. I stopped believing that what that guy said was utter bullshit, and just wanted to forget it. And so a couple of days ago, I signed up again and quickly started talking to somebody who was nice, someone it was easy to talk to, but after a couple of days, the conversation swerved in the direction I feared the most, and once again, by his reaction, my eyes were opened for a second time, and this time?

They’re open for good. I’m not looking anymore for the “man of my dreams”, for dates or relationships or whatnot. And somehow I’m okay with it, made my peace with it for now. Maybe the future has a different plan for me some day. We’ll see, won’t we?