Not all who wander are lost.

Everyone has envied one or more of the friends in their life at some point during their years, for their better financial situation, relationship with their family, their partners, the places they go to on holiday and whatnot. I for one never was envious of people’s destinations. But the older you get, the view on life shifts without one even noticing it, maybe.

At the end of 2017, a friend of mine left Germany to spent one and a half years doing Work & Travel around New Zealand, and although I always had a soft spot for that beautiful country, I was happy for her, for getting that opportunity to find her place in life and, more importantly, herself. I got to spent some time with her again one and a half week ago when she was visiting her family here, and boy, did she find herself. That experience, that country…it changed her. She always had a bubbling personality, always had been someone easy to be around, and whose company you can’t help but love in your life. And I never thought it was possible to outdo that. I have never met anybody so happy, satisfied and confident in herself. So…glowing with a positivity that has no peer. With no worries about everyday life. And overall, so absolutely balanced as only someone can be who is happy within themselves, inside and out. When I saw this, and heard what she felt now in comparison to just 4 months ago, I felt like crying, so happy was I for her for finding her place in this world.

It was this positivity in and around her that I envy now, and that now makes my heart ache for the same experience. I envy the guts people like her have, and the risks they are willing to take to find true happiness and somewhere they belong. With no safety net around to catch them when they fall. What about a steady job? A house/flat/appartment that you always can go back to? A social security? Health insurance? Or basic stuff, like warm water, a cosy bed, food you know can stomach?

It’s because of these things that the wanderlust I’ve had for the past couple of years (and especially since one of my best friends took me to St. Abbs, Scotland, for my birthday last year) has worsened. I yearn for new places, yet I am hindering myself due to my fear of flying, or my financial situation. Everyone would say those are things you can get over with, if you just REALLY want them to change. And to some degree, I do agree. But in my head, I know that a life like my friend in New Zealand has now would never work for me. I am a safety person, I need assurance of a job that I will have, no matter what. I need an appartment which provides the basic needs a human has, in a clean and orderly environment. I need to know I can always go to a pharmacy or my doctor to get the various medications for my IBS, migraines, nausea and whatnot. I need the safe knowledge that when I wake up the next day, I know where I am going, that I do not need to worry about having to sleep on the street because I can’t afford a flat, or how to pay a doctor’s bill (worst case scenario).

The “live for the moment” thing by going abroad like said friend is something that I just feel would really help me, finding myself, being content with myself, because I’m confessing right here: I am not happy in myself and my life. I live everyday, I even have loads of good things happening to me, things I experience on my own or with friends, things that make life brighter. But you know when you sometimes feel like it’s just not enough, when you see how brave, content, and just fucking HAPPY some of your friends are? THAT. Sometimes, being happy for the good things that happen to people close to your heart is just not enough, and so hard. But you keep going. And admiring others for their courage, and wishing them nothing but true happiness in their journeys, even if you’re only ever the one at the window, waving.

But who knows – maybe some day, there will be a moment the switch in my brain is going to be flipped and boldness and courage to go out into the world, not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, will be the only thing that matters, no matter the consequences. Maybe one day my fear of “not knowing” will be beaten by the bigger will to LIVE FULLY instead of just…functioning in society.