Locked In

As I’ve just finished John Green’s “Turtles All The Way Down”, it left me so impressed by its story and theme that I feel the need to express some things.

Though I can truly identify with her, I am not entirely like its main character, Aza Holmes. I do not have huge mental health issues; I do not have a massive fear of germs, bacteria, becoming sick, or constantly think about all the things that could happen to me, healthwise. I have my own little issues, though – when I’m getting nervous about something, or excited, or angry, or worried, I get IBS symptoms that mentally pull me down for a while and limit my life’s quality, together with migraine attacks every now and then. In no way has my life lost its entire quality as it has Aza’s, but I get how it is when you feel locked in your own head. Your thoughts whirl around it over and over; for example: when I had another migraine attack, or severe IBS problems, it takes days for me to stop worrying about when the next attack will happen, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t change that. I kinda learned to live with it, but it’s different with people in my life who don’t know what it’s like to be somewhat locked in yourself, and not just healthwise.

I have currently come across a huge disappointment by someone I cared a lot about, someone who has become more of a friend than an acquaintance over the past year since we spend every day together. And though I know its somewhat not her fault, because sometimes things just happen, and I also could’ve been clearer and realized sooner why it bothered me so much, I can’t help myself with these exhausting thoughts in my head that keep eating me up for the past couple of weeks. Fun fact: I am totally fine with it when I’m at home, or out somewhere, or with friends, but as soon as the prospect of being confronted by the situation in person again – which, frankly, is every single day, – my mind darkens, and especially the IBS issues become worse again, despite currently working on that with special medication. And I hate it, because the truth is – I miss that person, that “friend”, the way we were before I addressed her over two months ago, the way everything was perfectly good between us, and how close we were. Because I love her being my reference person every day, the way she made me smile and laugh and how she made every day so much more bearable. But the truth is, I am so locked in my grief, my disappointment and some sort of feeling betrayed (due to her suspecting me being bothered but not addressing me about it the way I did with her before) that I just can’t go back to how we were, I can’t treat us the way I did before. I see her and the other person, and I become this green-eyed thing, who gets aggressive, pissed off and hateful. My mind darkens and I feel like crying and screaming and throwing stuff around. And I know I’m going to “lose” her eventually entirely to this other person if I keep being a bitch, that she’ going to turn to that person being her reference person even more and I hate myself being like that, but I kinda am like Aza – I can’t help it, and I am sorry because it makes it so hard for people/friends around me to understand and get along just fine with me. And I want to forgive so badly, but I feel like I just CAN’T, because my mind won’t let me.

For example: I would not see myself as an attention-seeker; I hate being the center of attention, even on, say, my birthday, but every now and then, I just want people to put me there, to ask me whether I am okay, if I want to talk, if I want to meet up, if they should come meeting you, especially. And I am not talking about the very few people that always do that, those very few good friends, but maybe, other people I am in constant contact with, people you can have a great, fun time with, but feel with like it’s all just superficial, and you just feel that that is not enough. But your mind, which has locked you in, just doesn’t allow you to say that out loud, to just admit what bothers you because you don’t want to be a problem that they talk about behind your back, although at the same time, you just want to scream it out loud to them, to be the thing they care and worry about in that moment; because you have no right to tell anybody what to do, simply because YOU don’t want anybody to tell you what to do or say or think, to please others. It’s just not right.

And that’s why you keep pulling back from people, though you actually don’t always want to. But you want to pull out of uncomfortable situations, situations that somehow keep making you sick, even if those other people won’t understand it, and eventually just leave you because you don’t behave “normally”, and you just stop trying to explain yourself because it’s tiring and feels like running in circles.

I feel it’s especially hard to be me these days because in my heart, I don’t want to be like that. I want to smile and enjoy being alive, enjoy having some great people in my life, and having the opportunities to meet more people and just have a good time with them, and be happy for others who currently might be on their way into a new relationship, even if it hurts me, because I care enough about them to be happy for them. Or just enjoy people’s company because they are so openly positive about life that it should be an inspiration instead of a constant struggle with myself whether to open myself up, to forget what bothers me and look ahead instead of back to all past heartbreaks and disappointments.

But the truth is: just like Aza, my head doesn’t let me. It keeps me alert and easily shaken by things that “normal” people just move on from after a short while. And it keeps me always worrying about the “What if?’s” in life: What if the IBS comes back while you’re out? What if they get together? What if you have another migraine at the office? What if you join meetings and will feel left out, like the 3rd wheel, even if it’s not the case? What if you tell the guy you fancy how you feel or for his number and a date and he’ll turn you down? WHAT. FUCKING. IF.

My dream is to one day not being that locked in my own mind and thoughts anymore, without professional help or medication, especially with the current situation I’m in. To just be and just live like “normal” people do.