Denial Time

It’s time again. 40 days until Easter. And today not only marks the end of that stupid festival time in some parts of Germany that you call “Carnival” (which, basically, is only a valid excuse for binge drinking and whoring around, really), but also the beginning of the fasting period.

Now, nor am I a religious person at all nor do I believe anybody should put themselves into a position where they deny themselves the stuff they do/eat/drink everyday for the sake of all the people in the Third World or wherever who can’t even afford a bar of chocolate. Because, to be blunt, what good does it do THEM if YOU stop eating sweets or quit smoking? They don’t even know you exist. For me, not a reason or excuse at all to fast for 40 days. Neither is the fact that some people do it to lose weight – come on: if you’re really unhappy with your weight or your level of fitness, why take the 40 days to Easter as an easy way out when after that, in most cases, everything’s back to normal? For me, it’s like saying you quit smoking or start going to the gym as a New Year’s Resolution. To be honest, I don’t have a very high opinion on people who do that.

This year is, however, different. I have been unhappy with my looks even more over the past months that I am anyways. I would not call myself overweight, because actually I am scaringly underweight – even my doctor said that when I went for a basic check-up a few months back. It’s just that although I try to go to the gym regularly, I feel like I have become a pretty lazy punk since November, and I hate myself for it. I notice some fat slowly building up on my usual very flat stomach, and, what’s worse, I begin to develop a horrible double chin – bleurgh. My friends and colleagues and even people who barely see me say that I am mad for being so excessive about this, about eating less than I should, about going to the gym, about losing weight because I don’t need to. They keep telling me over and over that it’s stupid.

But fact is: if I don’t have my thin body, I don’t really have any good feature that would make me recognizable at all. I have pretty wonky teeth, weird eyebrows, a weird nose, my nails are breaking too easily and when I am nervous, I tend to pick on my fingers and lips until the skin is raw (I know, eww). I hate this about me, among alot of other things. I don’t have any self-confidence whatsoever and I doubt myself every single day of my life. Plus, I have eaten more sweets, especially chocolate, since November than I ever did before, and I don’t even want to consider the fact that it might have to do something with me living where I live.

So today, I have thought: screw it. I’m going to try to do this fast thing. I’m going to try to deny myself the things I noticed I kind of need every day recently: too much sweets. Starting from now on with no Red Bull (maybe not a big deal for you, but for me, it is, as it’s the only thing keeping me awake at times), no coffee, but tea, and no chocolate whatsoever at work – which I always have in my drawers, just in case I need a sugar boost in the office, I think the people who read this and work in an office job, too, will understand.

I am not going to say that this will work out, because, hands down, it probably won’t. I know me. But it doesn’t matter. I am not doing this for anyone else, neither to prove friends/colleagues how strong-willed I am, nor for the sake of all the poor, starving people who don’t even know of my existence. I am doing this for me, and for me only.

Because I know that only if you like yourself, if you like looking at yourself in the mirror every day, if you feel happy with the way you are, only then will others be able to like you just the way you are, too (yes, Bruno Mars reference right there).

And now, to try and not pull out the package of crisps while watching the international soccer match of Germany against Chile. Wish me luck.