Remember your very first story?

I do remember it, vividly. It was something that was placed in the “Star Wars” universe just after the 2nd prequel back in 2002″, and after I read a novel that was centered inbetween “The Phantom Menace” and “Attack Of The Clones”. I remember reading that book and somehow ended up writing my own short story. When I remenisce now, and when I look back at what and how I was writing back then, a shiver goes through me. It was bad. Like, really bad. I can’t believe the grammar I used back then. But still, they were my first attempts in writing, and I still remember the vivid fantasy I had back then, making things up that would probably never happen (welcome to my life).

But what I remember more vividly is 5 years back. I had just finished my job training 2 years earlier, and I was massively unhappy with where I’ve worked. Since those first tries in writing as a teenager, with all the “Star Wars” centered stories, my biggest dream had been to become a professional writer one day. I knew I wasn’t even close to be as good as others were, and maybe never would be, but that never diminished my love for books or texts. On the contrary: somehow, I felt challenged. Then, one day, I got my hands on a copy of “Face Of Death” by Cody McFadyen, and soon after (just because this is one of the goddamn best books that have ever been written in the history of books and writing), “Shadow Man”, which was the first book of the series. And when I was finished, I knew what I wanted to do.

Writing my own story.

Not a short story this time, like all those years before, no. A long one. A real book.

And thanks to these two amazing books, my brain was practically overflowing with ideas. I had no idea where to put them, because they were so many and they came to me in such a rush that I didn’t know what to write first. Before I knew, I had finished 9 or 10 chapters. I was on a roll, how writers like to describe their very inspirational phase. I had quite a few people/friends read a few excerpts of what I had written down so far, and everyone of them was pleasantly surprised of what I had brought to paper. They urged me to go on, telling me they wanted to read more (which, of course, I couldn’t do because I still had planned to one day publish that exact piece of work, and what good would it do if a lot of people already knew every single bit of it?). That was most likely my biggest and most productive time in the writing process. Whenever I got a good comment or critics, it kept me going, kept inspirations, ideas and motivation flow into my head like a river. I had even created my own cover (see picture above) and had researched about certain places and death methods in the USA, etc. I loved this process.

Then time took its toll, and things in my life happened that stopped me being able to write anymore. By then, I had already started on writing the very last chapter (without even knowing much about what was happening inbetween – I had stopped writing the “normal” chapters in a row when I reached the 15th chapter, then started on the final chapter because I had a great idea of revealing everything), and without sounding bigheaded: it was amazing. I absolutely loved it. But somehow, I had lost my spirit. I just stopped writing because I didn’t get any feedbacks anymore. I didn’t ask people to read what I had written down because I had started doubting myself. My ability to write anything decent that I could live with had slowly faded, and whenever I read back what I had put onto paper, I wanted to take it and crumple it up, burn it immediately, because I thought “What kind of crap is that?”. I know I was in a self-destructive phase, concerning my writing career. I went from having the brightest future planned ahead in my mind from zero ability and motivation to write whatsoever. Years passed where I regretted bygone times, where I dearly missed the times where I could write all day and night and didn’t think I would ever be able to go to bed without writing at least one whole chapter, and I have never been able to relive those times, I was caught in such massive self-doubts that I stopped believing that I would ever start writing again, let alone on that long story I had done so far – because I had started to despise it.

And then last year happened, when I started this blog. First meant as nothing but a theatre based blog where I could write down my experiences in german and London theatres/musicals, or travel experiences, it soon turned into a blog where I first started writing about books I’ve read – until I published my first Short Story on here. I don’t know how it happened – it was probably one of my friends starting publishing short stories on her own wordpress blog, too, – but that was the moment I slowly stopped thinking I wasn’t capable of writing anymore. I didn’t get much feedback on what I expressed on here, but the few things I got from some people motivated me. I was back on a roll, even if only very slowly, and I’m not even close to be back where I used to be 5 years ago.

Today, I have published 4 whole Short Stories on here, but somehow, I could never forget that first story I wrote. The first real story. The one that I originally had planned and dreamed of being published. The one where I had put in so much love and sweat and work and inspiration and effort. It always drifted around in the back of my head whenever I sat down to write a blog or a story or even a letter to a friend. I could never forget it, like a long lost love. And still, for 5 years, I hated it after I had given up on it, and whenever I re-read it, I was hating myself for the crap I had written down. But somehow, I could never throw it away or delete it from my harddrive, even if I would maybe never look at it or take it into my hands again. But two days ago, I took all my courage and will and got it out.

Since then, I have made a promise to myself: write at least 1.000 words a day after work. I have begun to translate it into english (as I had originally written it in my native language, german, but now prefer the english language way more), and re-write it anew. Putting in some changes here and there, especially the parts where it lacked a lot of logic in retrospect (which was probably the reason why I hated it so much). Right now, every day there is enough in my head to keep to my daily goal of 1.000 words, today it were even 1.800, and I feel like this time, I can really finish what I’ve started. After all, that one story had been my baby. The one thing that back then meant more than anything to me. It had held the promise of a better life for me, for my biggest dream to come true, to escape the dull and lonely life I was living and nowadays somehow have come to live again, because hands down: life and people never stop changing, the world never stops turning just because you need it to stop.

And the thought of finally giving that one dream that I gave up on 5 years ago another chance of coming true is beautiful. I know I am by far not a good writer, there are loads and loads of good writers out there, who have more potential than me and do not need a dictionary by their side while they’re typing. But I also know that I finally found some confidence again to fulfil my dream, to trust myself again with the feeling that I actually CAN do it this time. That I can finish what I started, no matter how long it will take. And that this time, hopefully, I will not let myself doubt my abilities because of the lack of feedback or support I get, because of so-called friends’ ignorance and lack of caring for what means a hell of a lot to me. I feel motivated again to start all over with what I have started 5 years back, with finding that one special potential in my 1st real story that I have seen in it all these years back.

And I hope to one day being able to present my story to the world.

Top 5 Books Of All Times

After my last post about the Top 5 books by Stephen King, I thought it might also be a good idea to do one about the Top 5 books ever – please note that this is just my personal opinion and what I think at this point of my life.

1. Stephen King – Pet Sematary

What a surprise. You can read my full opinion here https://dreamtraveler86.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/top-5-books-by-stephen-king/ where this book has also the first place in my favourite Stephen King reading list. Basically, no matter how much my taste in books will shift in the future, this one will be always be the biggest book love of my life, because it’s the one that started my madness for King and reading in general.

2. Cody McFadyen – Shadow Man

What can I say about this? If you generally love horror movies and books that are brutally detailed and cruel – Cody McFadyen is your man. This was the first books he ever wrote, and the 2nd one that I read (after “Face Of Death”) – and boy, I will never regret it. For me, there are barely really compelling books out there, books that grab you, pull you into their story and don’t let go until you’re finished with the last page of it – this book did that with me. And more importantly, it was the moment I started writing on my own book a few years back because I was so inspired by McFadyen’s writing skills and his ability to reach out to his readers in ways not many authors nowadays are able to.
I absolutely love the story behind Smoky Barrett in general: she has been tortured, her face has been scarred for life, and a psychopathic murderer killed her husband and daughter, leaving her no other option than shooting him in cold blood. Nevertheless, she stood up again, walked back to her job and did what she does best, and that’s quite inspiring for me (even if I would never wish the horrors her character has been through, or other characters in McFadyen’s book for myself), because behind all the layers of gruesome, bloody and life-scarring proceedings, all the fall-backs Smoky and her colleagues/friends are facing through the story, they all never give up. Combined with the suspense that never leaves the reader with this book – what more can you wish for?

3. Suzanne Collins – The Hunger Games Trilogy

I know this isn’t just one book mentioned, but when mentioning “The Hunger Games”, you can’t just go with one of them, can you? My favourite by far is the first one – first book I read in less than a day because I just couldn’t put it away (don’t ask me how I was able to work 8 hours that day and managing my own household). Suzanne Collins had me from the first moment I started reading, and I absolutely admire her writing skills, her passion (that you feel in every sentence), and her seemingly inexhaustible imagination. Sadly, I was a bit…”deprived” of imagining the looks of Katniss and all the characters or the districts because I only started reading the books when the first pictures of the first movie were released, but I think I can easily get over that, because it didn’t diminish the joy and excitement I felt while reading. Or, for that matter, the joy and excitement I feel whenever I re-read them over and over again.

4. Chris Carter – The Crucifix Killer

When the body of a young woman is discovered in a derelict cottage in the middle of Los Angeles National Forest, Homicide Detective Robert Hunter finds himself entering a horrific and recurring nightmare. Naked, strung from two wooden posts, the victim was sadistically tortured before meeting an excruciatingly painful death. All the skin has been ripped from her face – while she was still alive. On the nape of her neck has been carved a strange double-cross: the signature of a psychopath known as the Crucifix Killer. But that’s impossible. Because two years ago, the Crucifix Killer was caught and executed. Could this therefore be a copycat killer? Or could the unthinkable be true? Is the real killer still out there, ready to embark once again on a vicious and violent killing spree, selecting his victims seemingly at random, taunting Robert Hunter with his inability to catch him? Hunter and his rookie partner are about to enter a nightmare beyond imagining. (Source: amazon.com)

When I read this description on the back of the book while I was strolling through a book store while waiting for my bus home – I was instantly in love. I have never experienced that already the back of a book gripped me so tight and screamed “BUY ME! BUY ME!” loudly into my ear.
And Chris Carter definitely didn’t disappoint me. What I especially love about the book is the beginning: it begins at the end. I can’t say much to not give away the story, but the reader is already sucked into the world of Robert Hunter and Carlos Garcia, his partner when you read the first paragraph; it’s like you are fast-forwarded to the end of something and feel the constant need to know how on earth the two main characters got themselves into their mess. Plus, the little puns between Hunter and Garcia are highly entertaining, and they pull you out of the horrors that they are facing every day with just some teasing comments about Hunter not having problems in hustling women and Garcia being kind of “prudish”. This is what makes this book one of my favourites and Chris Carter definitely one of the best crime-fiction writers that are out there – in my opinion.

5. Laurence Rees – Auschwitz-A New History

Now how does this book possibly fit into this line of great story-telling books? For starters: Laurence Rees is telling a story, the story of Auschwitz, about what was really going on behind the scenes of this Nazi killing machinery. Never has a book about the Third Reich sucked me in as much as this one; especially the part about the poor french, jewish children that were taken away from their parents and had to suffer in more than one concentration camp, just to end up in Auschwitz anyway. Rees is definitely not soft-pedaling in the way he describes all the horrors in the almost 4 years Auschwitz existed, and for me, this is the exact right way to handle this subject – because there are still way too many people out there who think the Holocaust was just a huge lie put up by the enemies of the Nazi-Regime. Also, the book contains not only interviews with survivors of Auschwitz, but most importantly, interviews with former members of Hitler’s circle of murderous, faithful subjects. It seems inconceivable to read about these people describing how they perceived the entire situation, how less sympathy they feel for their victims. You’re tend to feel so much hate, but at the same time, Laurence Rees tries explaining the reasons for their behaviour, which, for me, makes it even more interesting. If you’re as interested in the entire Holocaust History (and the 3rd Reich in general) like I am, you always crave to finally understand all the real motivations behind the Nazi-Regime and their concentration camps – and this book definitely helps a bit with that. For me, the best book about this subject I’ve read so far.

There are a lot of other books that should be in here – “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn, for example, or one of the amazing books by Karin Slaughter, – but the ones in this post inspired me the most. If you have read them or not, if you plan on reading them or not, that is totally up to you, because, above all, do what makes you happy. And read what you enjoy the most.