Farewell, Supernatural

November, 19th 2020.

I know it is silly to dedicate a whole post to a TV show that ends tonight after being on air for 15 years, accompanying me on my way through 11 of those 15 years. And yet, for the impact it has had on my life, my friendships and memories, I can’t help saying Goodbye to the Winchester Brothers this way. And in a way, I am thankful Covid-19 has happened, because it delayed the end for 8 months – I am in a better mental state now that I would’ve been on May, 18th (thanks, person in China who thought it would be a good idea to eat a bat!). So, here goes.

Thanks to not being a person with a lot of friends, I joined an Online Forum for the TV Show “Prison Break” at the end of 2009, resulting in finding my former best friend, Lea, (who I’m grateful still today is a friend by my side despite the distance of 400km between us!) who introduced me to another TV show called “Supernatural”. I gave it a shot when it aired in Germany, watched the first 2 episodes in german on Pro7 and realized – it wasn’t for me. Something wasn’t clicking.

Fast forward a couple of months, the middle of 2010, when the same friend (knowing I adore Horror Movies) advised to me a movie called “My Bloody Valentine”, where a certain Mr. Jensen Ackles was playing the main character, a man who was – and still is up to this day – EXTREMELY hot to look at. I followed her advice, watched the movie, was totally in love with it and had my first Celebrity Crush in years. When I realized that the same man playing a crazy serial killer was also one half of the brothers in “Supernatural”, I decided to give it a 2nd shot, this time in OV/english.

Fast forward another couple of months, with night after night spent on tumblr with memes, gifs and quotes, bingewatching the entire seasons of “Supernatural” that were available at the time (how I kept up going to work every day with less than 6 hours every single night AND looking for a new job at the same time, I have no idea), I found myself at my first german “Supernatural” Convention in Mannheim – AECON2, hosted by Rogue Events (there’s a post somewhere far down the line of this blog, if you’d like a full description of the experience).

Though it hurts to think about that first one due to the friend I met on Facebook in the months upcoming to it, who was like the sister I always wished I had, who I instantly clicked with, who shared my craziness about the show and its Cast, who loved to make fun of certain things as much as I do, and who introduced me to the world of Musicals, which honestly changed me for the better. Thanks to that special person who loved “Supernatural” as much as me, I went on my first ever trip abroad at the age of 26 – to London, where I would fall in love with the West End and its shows, and one particular show without which I would have never have found three of the best, kindhearted, wonderful human beings that I am allowed to call my friends today – Sarah, Noor & Sigal. And it all hurts because that friend who made my very first ever Convention SO SO special and beautiful, is not my friend anymore because I made a stupid mistake and she wasn’t able to find enough love for me and our friendship in her heart anymore to forgive me and give our 9-year friendship another chance.

BUT there is also something wonderful, which might or might not have happened if I would’ve been alone at The Dorint Hotel in Mannheim on May, 20th 2011 – I met the most important person in my life, the human being closest to my heart than anybody else, despite living 1.182,55km away – Susie.

I met her in front of the door to the registration room (she was part of the Staff back then, just as the wonderful Jaynee, who quickly became a star that weekend with her “Hug the walls” shouting and at a later event, T-Shirt; though I’m barely in touch with her nowadays, back then, she was like a mum to me), where my former friend and I were very amused by a trash can full of empty Red Bull cans and chocolate bar wrappers, and the first thing she ever said to me was “Please don’t take a picture” when I took one of it because it was hilarious to see what already the first few hours of the event did to its Staff. We three talked and I instantly took a shine to her, because she was so easy going and smiley and nice, and she felt like someone I wanted to talk to all the time. Then the fateful sunday happened, where my former friend and I experienced the cattle herding of “Supernatural” fans into a hallway and a room where Jensen Ackles & Jared Padalecki – the two main actors who played the brothers Winchester – were being seated for taking Photo Ops with their fans. As we somehow lost track of time and the timetable of the event and therefor missed our first Photo Op appointment with them on Saturday (we both had booked two with Jensen Ackles, as we wanted to see him up close twice with different poses and clothes, paying 75€ per photo, how crazy were we???), it was ESSENTIAL we got both pictures together, with different poses at least. But due to the cattle herding feeling Rogue put us through, resulting in screaming “No poses! No touching!”, it was a desaster for me. I hate both of mine up to this day (though Jensen looks absolutely gorgeous, of course), and I remember sitting on the floor, bawling my eyes out on that last day of the event, looking up and spotting Susie coming my way. I stood up to tell her how unhappy I was about my photos, and because it was so expensive, I wanted the chance of a do over because the photographer didn’t say anything during the shoot, but she just bristled along, telling me Jensen had already gone to get on his flight back home, in quite an annoyed and pissed-off manner. I was so disappointed and angry I had estimated her character wrong that I complained about her on a Fan Forum that Rogue ran, without saying a name, needing to get it out how wrong I felt I had been treated. Long story short – Susie saw it, read it, apologized to me, explained what had happened that day, we started following each other on twitter, started talking in private messages and she asked for my number on February, 2nd 2012 – and ever since then, she has been the most important and dearest, caring friend I have ever had the honor to have in my life. And she gave me the chance to visit her in Scotland in 2015, which resulted in my falling head over heels for this beautiful place on earth, giving me the BEST birthday gift in 2017 with taking me to St. Abbs (where, knowing I am a massive Marvel fan, scenes from the last Avengers movie, “Avengers: Endgame” had been filmed,) and basically treating me like the most delicate and important person in the whole world that day, which nobody has ever done before.

So, “Supernatural” did give me a whole lot more than I ever signed up for, and though there are parts of this fandom that I will neither ever get nor can accept to be a thing, the past 11 years have given me so much more than I could’ve hoped for when I gave that TV show a 2nd shot in 2010. I met loads of Celebrities thanks to it, I have the most wonderful and hilarious (and in parts, painful) memories from the 3 Conventions hosted by Rogue Events that I will always keep close to my heart and in my memories, and, like some sort of snowballing system, my life is the way today because of that TV Show and everyone and everything working alongside it.

So THANK YOU, “Supernatural” – it’s been a pleasure being a fan, accompanying Dean and Sam Winchester on their journey to “Save People, Hunting Things, The Family Business”. And THANK YOU to Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins, Alex Calvert, Sebastian Roché, Jim Beaver, Mark Sheppard, Mark Pellegrino, Samantha Smith, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Rob Benedict, Ruth Connell, Richard Speight Jr., Kim Rhodes, Katie Cassidy, Genevieve Padalecki, Felicia Day, Osric Chau, DJ Qualls, Ty Olsson, Rachel Miner, Brianna Buckmaster, Jake Abel, Julian Richings and all the other Cast members I can’t write down here.

And a special, massive THANK YOU goes out to the Show’s creators and directors – Eric Kripke & Robert Singer. You’ve created a whole world of monsters, demons, ghouls, wendigos, ghosts, witches and whatnot, that thanks to your amazing creative minds and Cast were brought to life for 15 years and created a space of 42mins every thursday to forget worries or problems one might have at that moment (and, very often, left the viewer with a smile or a loud laugh when Sam Winchester made a commercial for a haemorrhoid cream, or Dean Winchester shouting like a girlscout when a cat came out of a locker, or the countless times Castiel held his FBI insignia upside down).

And although I would’ve somehow loved it a bit more if the Winchesters had sacrificed themselves so the world could survive, I have to say, both of them riding into the Sunset in Dean’s 67′ Chevrolet Impala, just the two brothers and an endless Highway ahead of them, like it was in the beginning, holds some soft, fuzzy feelings for me, too.

THANK YOU.

Locked In

As I’ve just finished John Green’s “Turtles All The Way Down”, it left me so impressed by its story and theme that I feel the need to express some things.

Though I can truly identify with her, I am not entirely like its main character, Aza Holmes. I do not have huge mental health issues; I do not have a massive fear of germs, bacteria, becoming sick, or constantly think about all the things that could happen to me, healthwise. I have my own little issues, though – when I’m getting nervous about something, or excited, or angry, or worried, I get IBS symptoms that mentally pull me down for a while and limit my life’s quality, together with migraine attacks every now and then. In no way has my life lost its entire quality as it has Aza’s, but I get how it is when you feel locked in your own head. Your thoughts whirl around it over and over; for example: when I had another migraine attack, or severe IBS problems, it takes days for me to stop worrying about when the next attack will happen, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t change that. I kinda learned to live with it, but it’s different with people in my life who don’t know what it’s like to be somewhat locked in yourself, and not just healthwise.

I have currently come across a huge disappointment by someone I cared a lot about, someone who has become more of a friend than an acquaintance over the past year since we spend every day together. And though I know its somewhat not her fault, because sometimes things just happen, and I also could’ve been clearer and realized sooner why it bothered me so much, I can’t help myself with these exhausting thoughts in my head that keep eating me up for the past couple of weeks. Fun fact: I am totally fine with it when I’m at home, or out somewhere, or with friends, but as soon as the prospect of being confronted by the situation in person again – which, frankly, is every single day, – my mind darkens, and especially the IBS issues become worse again, despite currently working on that with special medication. And I hate it, because the truth is – I miss that person, that “friend”, the way we were before I addressed her over two months ago, the way everything was perfectly good between us, and how close we were. Because I love her being my reference person every day, the way she made me smile and laugh and how she made every day so much more bearable. But the truth is, I am so locked in my grief, my disappointment and some sort of feeling betrayed (due to her suspecting me being bothered but not addressing me about it the way I did with her before) that I just can’t go back to how we were, I can’t treat us the way I did before. I see her and the other person, and I become this green-eyed thing, who gets aggressive, pissed off and hateful. My mind darkens and I feel like crying and screaming and throwing stuff around. And I know I’m going to “lose” her eventually entirely to this other person if I keep being a bitch, that she’ going to turn to that person being her reference person even more and I hate myself being like that, but I kinda am like Aza – I can’t help it, and I am sorry because it makes it so hard for people/friends around me to understand and get along just fine with me. And I want to forgive so badly, but I feel like I just CAN’T, because my mind won’t let me.

For example: I would not see myself as an attention-seeker; I hate being the center of attention, even on, say, my birthday, but every now and then, I just want people to put me there, to ask me whether I am okay, if I want to talk, if I want to meet up, if they should come meeting you, especially. And I am not talking about the very few people that always do that, those very few good friends, but maybe, other people I am in constant contact with, people you can have a great, fun time with, but feel with like it’s all just superficial, and you just feel that that is not enough. But your mind, which has locked you in, just doesn’t allow you to say that out loud, to just admit what bothers you because you don’t want to be a problem that they talk about behind your back, although at the same time, you just want to scream it out loud to them, to be the thing they care and worry about in that moment; because you have no right to tell anybody what to do, simply because YOU don’t want anybody to tell you what to do or say or think, to please others. It’s just not right.

And that’s why you keep pulling back from people, though you actually don’t always want to. But you want to pull out of uncomfortable situations, situations that somehow keep making you sick, even if those other people won’t understand it, and eventually just leave you because you don’t behave “normally”, and you just stop trying to explain yourself because it’s tiring and feels like running in circles.

I feel it’s especially hard to be me these days because in my heart, I don’t want to be like that. I want to smile and enjoy being alive, enjoy having some great people in my life, and having the opportunities to meet more people and just have a good time with them, and be happy for others who currently might be on their way into a new relationship, even if it hurts me, because I care enough about them to be happy for them. Or just enjoy people’s company because they are so openly positive about life that it should be an inspiration instead of a constant struggle with myself whether to open myself up, to forget what bothers me and look ahead instead of back to all past heartbreaks and disappointments.

But the truth is: just like Aza, my head doesn’t let me. It keeps me alert and easily shaken by things that “normal” people just move on from after a short while. And it keeps me always worrying about the “What if?’s” in life: What if the IBS comes back while you’re out? What if they get together? What if you have another migraine at the office? What if you join meetings and will feel left out, like the 3rd wheel, even if it’s not the case? What if you tell the guy you fancy how you feel or for his number and a date and he’ll turn you down? WHAT. FUCKING. IF.

My dream is to one day not being that locked in my own mind and thoughts anymore, without professional help or medication, especially with the current situation I’m in. To just be and just live like “normal” people do.

Not all who wander are lost.

Everyone has envied one or more of the friends in their life at some point during their years, for their better financial situation, relationship with their family, their partners, the places they go to on holiday and whatnot. I for one never was envious of people’s destinations. But the older you get, the view on life shifts without one even noticing it, maybe.

At the end of 2017, a friend of mine left Germany to spent one and a half years doing Work & Travel around New Zealand, and although I always had a soft spot for that beautiful country, I was happy for her, for getting that opportunity to find her place in life and, more importantly, herself. I got to spent some time with her again one and a half week ago when she was visiting her family here, and boy, did she find herself. That experience, that country…it changed her. She always had a bubbling personality, always had been someone easy to be around, and whose company you can’t help but love in your life. And I never thought it was possible to outdo that. I have never met anybody so happy, satisfied and confident in herself. So…glowing with a positivity that has no peer. With no worries about everyday life. And overall, so absolutely balanced as only someone can be who is happy within themselves, inside and out. When I saw this, and heard what she felt now in comparison to just 4 months ago, I felt like crying, so happy was I for her for finding her place in this world.

It was this positivity in and around her that I envy now, and that now makes my heart ache for the same experience. I envy the guts people like her have, and the risks they are willing to take to find true happiness and somewhere they belong. With no safety net around to catch them when they fall. What about a steady job? A house/flat/appartment that you always can go back to? A social security? Health insurance? Or basic stuff, like warm water, a cosy bed, food you know can stomach?

It’s because of these things that the wanderlust I’ve had for the past couple of years (and especially since one of my best friends took me to St. Abbs, Scotland, for my birthday last year) has worsened. I yearn for new places, yet I am hindering myself due to my fear of flying, or my financial situation. Everyone would say those are things you can get over with, if you just REALLY want them to change. And to some degree, I do agree. But in my head, I know that a life like my friend in New Zealand has now would never work for me. I am a safety person, I need assurance of a job that I will have, no matter what. I need an appartment which provides the basic needs a human has, in a clean and orderly environment. I need to know I can always go to a pharmacy or my doctor to get the various medications for my IBS, migraines, nausea and whatnot. I need the safe knowledge that when I wake up the next day, I know where I am going, that I do not need to worry about having to sleep on the street because I can’t afford a flat, or how to pay a doctor’s bill (worst case scenario).

The “live for the moment” thing by going abroad like said friend is something that I just feel would really help me, finding myself, being content with myself, because I’m confessing right here: I am not happy in myself and my life. I live everyday, I even have loads of good things happening to me, things I experience on my own or with friends, things that make life brighter. But you know when you sometimes feel like it’s just not enough, when you see how brave, content, and just fucking HAPPY some of your friends are? THAT. Sometimes, being happy for the good things that happen to people close to your heart is just not enough, and so hard. But you keep going. And admiring others for their courage, and wishing them nothing but true happiness in their journeys, even if you’re only ever the one at the window, waving.

But who knows – maybe some day, there will be a moment the switch in my brain is going to be flipped and boldness and courage to go out into the world, not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, will be the only thing that matters, no matter the consequences. Maybe one day my fear of “not knowing” will be beaten by the bigger will to LIVE FULLY instead of just…functioning in society.

Book Review: Adi Alsaid – “Let’s Get Lost”

Five strangers. Countless adventures.One epic way to get lost.
Four teens across the country have only one thing in common: a girl named LEILA. She crashes into their lives in her absurdly red car at the moment they need someone the most.  
There’s HUDSON, a small-town mechanic who is willing to throw away his dreams for true love. And BREE, a runaway who seizes every Tuesday—and a few stolen goods along the way. ELLIOT believes in happy endings…until his own life goes off-script. And SONIA worries that when she lost her boyfriend, she also lost the ability to love. 
Hudson, Bree, Elliot and Sonia find a friend in Leila. And when Leila leaves them, their lives are forever changed. But it is during Leila’s own 4,268-mile journey that she discovers the most important truth— sometimes, what you need most is right where you started. And maybe the only way to find what you’re looking for is to get lost along the way. (Source: amazon.com)

I got this book quite a while ago and finally read it – and I am more than glad that I did so. It may “only” been Alsaid’s debut novel, but to be honest, he did a pretty damn good job on it, and I am looking forward to read more of him in the future.

The story itself is segmented into 4 completely different storylines – Hudson, Bree, Elliot & Sonia – but they all have one thing in common: despite the fact that they are the main characters, the girl named Leila has been written so amazingly well by Alsaid that she really (at least for me) is what captures the reader when reading each of the chapters.

Hudson
Hudson works at his father’s garage, fixing cars, and when Leila shows up in his life, she turns it upside down in a way that everyone has probably seen at least once in movies or read about in other books – some kind of Hollywood-like love story-thing. It was easy for me to warm up to Hudson, because I could relate to a person who falls helplessly for someone at first sight (don’t let me get started about how much it has happened to myself!). I loved how Leila came crashing into his little, normal life, its path predestined, his future all laid out in front of him by his father, and makes Hudson question his life choices, thinking deeply about his dreams and fears. And she’s doing it with such an easy-going attitude that might make the reader, when being in a dark chapter in their life, wish, that kind of person would crash into it and help them turning it around, changing it forever. And when that first storyline ends, I found myself thinking “That can’t just be it, can it?”, wishing for the entire rest of the book that there will be more of it. And is there? Well, to know that, you should probably go and read it 🙂

Bree
Bree’s storyline is the one I didn’t really like at all. Bree is a runaway girl who left her home to hitchhike across the country, due to her older sister babying her all the time after their parents died of cancer. Just to get away from facing her worries and fears. I didn’t like that part that much, because with all that happens inside of it – Bree convincing Leila of shoplifting, both of them ending up in jail, all the teenage-like fighting with Bree’s sister when she comes bailing them out, – is too…”forced” for me. It’s like Alsaid tries to stretch out every single one of teenage clichés, and the only thing missing would be Bree stomping with her feet, screaming “I hate you, you ruined my life!” at her sister. It was too predictable for me what would come next on Bree’s road trip, to be fair. The only thing that made up for the lack of surprise – once again – was Leila. Her role in the storyline was a beautiful one, what with her being the thing that makes Bree do the right life choice for herself after such a long time of running away from it.

Elliot
I have nothing else than praise for this storyline, and it was by far my absolute favourite. Of course, if I talked about teenage clichés in the “Bree” part, I have to speak about them in this one, too. Elliot, on his prom night, having the worst moment of his life when he confessed his love to his best friend and is clearly rejected (she runs away), is the picture perfect example of a lot of young teenage boys in any Hollywood movie anybody could possibly ever think of. The story itself reeks of “Happy Ending”. And yet, Alsaid understands how to play it out, throwing obstacle after obstacle inbetween Elliot’s feet, and every single time you think that now, he’ll give up. I loved it. I loved that Leila made Elliot go on, no matter what, how she keeps him strong. During that chapter, the positive energy that the reader gets from Leila is inspiring to feel, making me, personally, wish again that there was someone like that in my life, someone who lifts you up like that even if you can’t fight anymore, and who changes your life forever in a heartbeat without expecting anything back. And maybe, the fact that I could picture every single scene of their story in my head, as if it was my own, or that every station Leila & Elliot reach on their way reminded me alot of the relationship between Margo & Quentin in John Green’s book “Paper Towns”, captured me even more in this particular chapter that as soon as I had finished it, I wanted to go back and read it all over again.

Sonia
This storyline was a bit hard for me to grasp, as it is said that Sonia and Leila are about the same age, but from the style of writing, it seems as if Sonia is at least 5 or 6 years older – she has lost her boyfriend to a heart failure 7 months back, leaving her with a constant hate for herself because she has fallen in love with somebody else just shortly after said boyfriend died, struggling with going public with it, scared of hurting and disappointing his family who have taken her in with open arms. The problems Sonia is facing are probably the most grown-up throughout the entire book, and maybe the ones I can relate the least to. Not because I am not grown-up myself, but because I have never been in a situation like she is. And the connection Leila and she made seemed somewhat “misplaced” to me, because it felt more like two sisters – Sonia the older, settled one, Leila the younger, wild one, – than two total strangers meeting, with one of them changing the other one’s life forever. And somehow, that storyline didn’t fit in with the other three for me. I loved the outcome of it, nevertheless – I even shed one or two tears, so that has to count for something.

And then, there is…Leila
I have to admit, I was a bit surprised when I reached the book at about 85% (I read it on my Kindle), and the last chapter was all about her. I was wondering what exactly would come up now except the fact that Leila had, in fact, finally gotten to see the Northern Lights. But I was pleasantly surprised with one last, very touching storyline, maybe the one some readers waited for ever since they started this book. Leila’s does one last “road trip”, encounters total strangers one last time, is greeted by the same amount of kindness that she seemed to have dedicated her life to herself, and during it, finally finds herself, where she truly belongs to. And Alsaid saved up to solve the mystery about her until that last storyline/chapter – which is probably one of the smartest things he could have done, and one of the things that made his debut novel such an amazing one. And once again – a few tears wanted to escape my eyes at the end.

All in all, this book (to me) was totally riveting, thrilling, absolutely touching and above all, a very very enjoyable piece of literature.

Book Review: James Dashner – “The Maze Runner” Trilogy

When Thomas wakes up in the lift, the only thing he can remember is his name. He’s surrounded by strangers—boys whose memories are also gone. Outside the towering stone walls that surround the Glade is a limitless, ever-changing maze. It’s the only way out—and no one’s ever made it through alive. Then a girl arrives. The first girl ever. And the message she delivers is terrifying.

Remember. Survive. Run. (Source: amazon.com)

It took me a hell of a long time until I finally decided to give the series a shot – mostly due to the fact that in a few days, the 1st movie is going to be released here in Germany and I was intrigued (which has absolutely nothing to due with Dylan O’Brien playing the lead role, of course not…), so I figured starting with the book first would be a good thing. However, I had heard and read very different opinions; people being disappointed of the 2nd and 3rd book, complaining about the main character’s attitude and the multiple deaths of characters they had grown close to. But after all, it was announced as something between “The Hunger Games”, “Divergent” & “Lord Of The Flies” – three of the things I love to pieces, so curiosity got the better of me and I finally started the series 6 days ago.

And hello, am I glad I did. This series is a GEM.

#1 The Maze Runner

As probably everybody who has read this book, I was into the story right away. Of course, the choice of words was weird at first, words I had never heard before, but I soon grew used to “shuckface”, “slinthead” and all the likes. After all, it was easy to imagine what the characters were saying. Plus, I clicked with Thomas right away, despite the fact that I’m female. His insecurity, yet his curiosity, and his will to find out the truth were very intriguing. Moreover, each of his characteristics made me like him the instant he showed up. He’s a character that people can identify with – I myself can imagine being taken completely aback if I’d ever been thrown in a situation that he’s been thrown in, with all my memories and past being wiped out. And also all the other characters were so well-written that you can’t help but feel with them – even with Gally.
The fact that the truth behind the “Maze” is only revealed in the last pages of this first book might be something that annoyed people – I, however, liked that way of approach done by James Dashner, because it somewhat reminded me of the series “Prison Break” and its 1st season. Everyone had a feeling they’d break out, and they had to wait until the very last episode of Season 1 to see it happen. And after it was clear that the “Maze” wouldn’t hold the kids’ future any longer, it was clear for me that they’d leave, and from that point on it was impossible for me to put the book away. The way it was written was highly entertaining and just the way I like my books to be.

#2 The Scorch Trials

The 2nd book thankfully picked up exactly where the 1st one left off – something I thought was a good move. With what the kids had to face, it would’ve been highly illogical to let time pass between the escape and the “new start”. For me, it was also very interesting as to how the characters would develop from now on. We have Thomas, who had regained some of his memories due to one very stupid deed in the 1st book, and who grew more and more confident of himself and the place he starts to take over in the small group of kids. The reader feels how he gets stronger, how he knows what he wants, despite the fact his past still is a mystery to him. And the reader also feels with him as his thoughts about who to trust and who to mistrust keep him in a constant inner agony. To some people (according to the reviews on amazon and from a friend of mine), that was somewhat annoying – the constant reminder of the horror Thomas had to go through at the end of the 1st book, and the whining over and over, his seeming inability to let things go, to move on; but I, personally, liked it. It made him very human to me, struggling with himself and the people he’s closest to – something I can very well relate to (although not in that exact way as he experienced it, of course).
But the character I grew the closest with, the character I started to like more than anyone else, about who’s life I was in constant fear – that was Minho. I utterly loved his development since the 1st book, I absolutely enjoyed the change James Dashner has put him through – willingly or not. The snippy comments, the “Dude!” outbursts, the constant sarcastic/wry remarks – it was the thing I mostly enjoyed about “The Scorch Trials” over everything else, over the story, the chills and the suspense. Had James Dashner only broached in very small glimpses what kind of boy Minho is, he played it out very well from the moment that he took over a bigger role in the whole story in this 2nd book. And I have nothing but praise for that.

#3 The Death Cure

All in all, that might be the weakest book of the three, up until a certain point closer to the end. I understand why people kept complaining about the “downfall” of the series with every book, and I have to admit, partly, it annoyed me, too, how the characters of Thomas and Teresa behaved. I understand a lot of the younger readers thought of them as maybe some kind of Katniss & Peeta from the “Hunger Games” series – what with them ending up happily ever after at the end of the series, – and that constant discussions and fights were nothing they wanted to have. The whining and moaning of Thomas didn’t stop in this book (I’m not gonna lie about that), and without bringing in more spoilers than I already have, they are increased with every new shock, terror and task that Thomas and his friends have to face. But let’s be honest: this is the last book of the series, and every reader who expects it to sugarcoat things, to go down easily just doesn’t understand book series like that. Because at the end, “The Death Cure” surely does everything else but sugarcoat, and somewhat even exaggerates with using brutality. The long journey of Thomas, Minho, Teresa, Newt and everyone else is finally coming to an end, and I, personally, wouldn’t have wanted it any other way than how it was done by James Dashner. It was the right way, and I loved it.

Resumé: Of course (especially in the 2nd and 3rd book) there have been turns in the destiny of Thomas and the other Gladers that were so numerous that they hovered at the edge of illogicality for me (the countless times they are able to escape certain captures or deaths are mostly to be named here). But in the end, when I think about it, they kept the story going, kept it flowing – just when the reader thinks “Now it’s over for them, definitely!”, they come out of it, almost unfazed, only to be thrown into the next mess when the same thoughts come back.
Of course there have been deaths throughout all three books that shook me hard – and I won’t be shy to admit I shed the one or other tear over the people dying; that’s how close I personally grew to the characters. But in the end, if I am honest, they were needed to put the characters through a development that was credible and entertaining (minus the whining), to keep them interesting enough that the reader wants to know how they deal with it. Especially the last death in the final book was hard – although part of me kind of knew what would happen, because I’m just that kind of a realist – and sometimes, things are just too good to be true.
Of course not everything in this series was perfect. There are barely perfect books out there.

But all in all, to me, James Dashner came VERY close to “perfect” with his “Maze Runner” series.

Well done.

 

Book Review: Jenny Lawson – “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”

Jenny Lawson realized that the most mortifying moments of our lives—the ones we’d like to pretend never happened—are in fact the ones that define us.
In the #1 New York Times bestseller, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”, Lawson takes readers on a hilarious journey recalling her bizarre upbringing in rural Texas, her devastatingly awkward high school years, and her relationship with her long-suffering husband, Victor. Chapters include: “Stanley the Magical, Talking Squirrel”; “A Series of Angry Post-It Notes to My Husband”; “My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking”; “And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane.” Pictures with captions (no one would believe these things without proof) accompany the text. (Source: goodreads.com)

How do you explain this book to anybody who has neither heard of it nor read it themselves? Answer: you can’t, which will make this blog post a lot of fun. Two things that are for sure about it, though: 1. I have never read a better and more entertaining book than this one, having me more than once in stitches including stupid grinning on the bus home and, as a result of that, weird looks from my felllow bus companions. And 2., never in my life have I used so many bookmarks in a book before (thank God I have it as a Kindle version, I guess. Would be funny to look at if on my bookshelf otherwise). There’s not one page in this book that will not make your fingers wanting to switch over to the “Put to bookmarks” button, I guarantee you.

For starters, Jenny Lawson didn’t have the best and wealthiest childhood in the world, if you think about money. With what she grew up were experiences. Weird experiences. Loads of them. For example, one day, her father, who was a taxidermist and always brought dead (or almost dead, that is) animals home for Jenny and her sister to play with. One of those lovely things was a little racoon called Rambo who attacked Jenny’s sister when they were little and Jenny described it as “…and it was totally awesome.” Or the part where she says that if the reader can’t take a book as disturbing as hers (with talking about standing in a dead animal in her father’s taxidermy shop), they should “get another book that’s less disturbing than this one. Like one about kittens. Or genocide.” Sadly, I am not making this up, this is exactly how it’s described in the book.

I know that mostly all of the experiences Jenny makes in this book, throughout her life, with a gang of turkeys (or, according to her father, “big quails”) following her around school, wild animals like racoons, cougars or goats showing up right next to your head all of a sudden, being an outcast at school, having more than one miscarriage, experiencing drugs, are not the stuff you should usually laugh about (except for the first two things, maybe). But the thing I personally love about this book is that there is no sugarcoating whatsoever in it. Jenny Lawson describes it as it has happened, as she has experienced and suffered through it, and she does it in the most entertaining way the reader could ever imagine. Her life hasn’t been kind to her all the time, but she got through it, she straightened her back, directed her gaze into the future and never looked back in pity. In fact, she embraced every single episode in her life, no matter how weird and unbelievable it has been. This is an ability I admire more than anything else, because it makes the story itself so vivid, and transfers the book into a complete pageturner, and, also, grabs you by the hand and doesn’t let you go until you’ve finished.

I have read critics about this book where people said they found Jenny Lawson “annoying”, “unbelievable” and “unsympathetic”. I, however, do not understand such an opinion. For me, even during the introduction of the book, she became one of the most sympathetic writers that are out in the world. Maybe it’s the fact that she is exactly like one of my friends, Laura, is, who’s got her own blog on here (mysticmonkey.wordpress.com), and who is the most entertaining writer/person for me. While I was reading, it was like I was reading a book of a friend like Laura. I instantly bonded with Jenny when I read about how her parents once kicked her out a driving car (which was totally an accident, don’t be shocked, you’ll understand it if you read it) in the introduction, and the way she writes and tells her life story…I can’t explain it, it just got to me, and was the foundation for me admiring this author to no end.

The ability to grab a reader by the hand, pulling them in and making them feel like a part of the book, like they can’t put the book down for even a second because they’d feel like a part of them is being put down – that is an ability that is the one that I, myself, strive for one day. Jenny Lawson’s writing talent is absolutely out of this world, she describes simple, normal, yet sometimes horrible facts of life in such a hilarious way that the reader can’t help but enjoy every single word of it. And me, personally, she got to the point where even just a few sentences into the introduction, I wished I wouldn’t have started the book because I knew I would have finished it just far too soon, and that I could read this book for the 1st time again.

There is no way I can give her only 5 out of 5 stars in my rating, so I’ll just say: go, buy this book. It’s worth every penny, and it will make your life brighter and is a true enrichment to every bookshelf.

Simply the BEST. BOOK. EVER. Thank you, Jenny Lawson. Well done. Very well done.

London 23.-28.07.2014

After two months, I was finally back – and this time, I would spent almost a week here, with one of my best friends around me 24/7, plus, 6 amazing shows and one soccer game. Safe to say I was beyond excited. And as I don’t want to spam people with numerous blogs about each show, I’ll put them all in here.

Wednesday, 23rd of July: “Billy Elliot”

This was my 2nd trip to the Victoria Palace Theatre since January 2013, and although at first I hadn’t been a huge fan of the show (with not having seen the film and not even being slightly interested in changing that), but even back then I thought it had potential and it was truly hilarious. Now, after this 2nd time of seeing the show, I keep asking myself: “Why haven’t I seen it more often whenever I was in London since last January?” Because hands down: it has gotten to me. Big time. I absolutely adored every single second of the show, and the Billy we had that day – Matteo Zecca,- was beyond amazing. He didn’t impress me as much as my first Billy, Harris Beattie, but then again, no one can beat your first, right? Just as with Tomi Fry, who is just hilarious as Michael, and who always is one of the highlights of the entire show for me. The woman who played Mrs. Wilkerson, Ruthie Henshall, was flawless. Not only her dancing talent, or simply her acting, but the entire way how she displayed the Ballet teacher, and how she treated Billy. Even the moments where she got pissed off at things, or excited, or sad, they were massively impressing, and I think her acting talent is really worth every pound you invest into that show when you decide to see it. Of course, the guy playing Mr. Braithwaite, David Muscat, was adorable, and his ability of tapdancing and doing a split was a real “Wow” moment for me, considering his stature. And the little girls who played the ballet class were beyond adorable, and so absolutely talented in everything they do, and the audience could easily see how much they enjoyed their roles. It’s always impressing when you can see kids on a stage, because sometimes, they can even upstage the grown-ups with their talent. I have to admit that I even kind of fell for the songs this time, especially “Solidarity” or “Electricity”, two really amazing tunes, and, of course, the best thing about the show: the opening of Act 2, “Merry Christmas, Maggie Thatcher”. That never fails to make me laugh.

Thursday, 24th of July: “Wicked”

My birthday show! One short notice beforehand: I do not hate the show itself, because that’s the impression a lot of crazy “Wicked” fans will get when they read this. Thing is: when I booked my ticket together with my friend Sarah, we decided to go up into the circle, because she said up there you could have a good overview of the stage and everything around it. Which was more than true. The stupid thing is that back then, I did not think of the fact that I was short-sighted, and that, when far away from something, I sometimes have problems with the acoustic in a room like this, meaning I barely understand a word…which made my first experience of the show one that I wish I wouldn’t have made. And the story just isn’t my kind of thing, I have realized after seeing it. The Cast, however, was mindblowing. We had both understudies for Glinda and Elphaba that day, Sophie Linder-Lee and Emma Hatton, plus, Jeremy Taylor as Fiyero.
Sophie was amazing, I loved her display of the bitchy Glinda, the girl who thinks the world evolves around her and who’s just so dislikeable at the beginning; but still, she was hilarious in it, and her voice sounded beautiful. And Emma Hatton…just wow. That girl can sing, and wow, HOW she can sing. I knew her from seeing/hearing her on the “We Will Rock You” stage, and I always knew she had an amazing talent, but what I was honoured to witness on the “Wicked” stage that day was breathtaking. Her voice has improved even more, and the vocals she belted out were giving me goosebumps. No surprise that she got the biggest Standing Ovations together with Sophie, and that various people afterwards said to her they were shocked to hear she was “only” the Understudy, and thought that she should have the principal role.
After the show, when me and my friends were waiting for her and the others at the Stage Door, the biggest surprise showed up: Katie Paine, former Cast Member of “We Will Rock You” (Killer Queen Understudy) and good friend of Emma. We were all so pleased to see her, and it was funny to confuse people at the Stage Door when we ran up to her, hugging her, and everyone thought she had been on the show, too. Whoops.

Friday, 25th of July: Charity Football Match on Old Street
This football match took place in small pitch where the Cast member of various West End shows – “The Commitments”, “Billy Elliot”, “Miss Saigon”, “Matilda”, “Wicked”, etc. – were playing for a good cause, and it was highly entertaining, yet a bit scary to see how those talented men all turned into aggressive sportsmen with the will to fight and to win their games, and how some of them could turn into very bad losers when challenged (don’t look at me like that, even the Cast Members themselves called some of their teammates “twat” at some point!)

Friday, 25th of July: “Miss Saigon”

A show I was excited about since my best friend had made me read its summary on Wikipedia months back. I am highly interested in “War Drama”, as I like to call it, Pearl Harbor, Vietnam War, you name it. And I am really happy that this show didn’t disappoint my expectations, despite the fact that it reminded me of “Les Misérables”, with not more than two or three sentences spoken normally, but sung. In some way, the music in “Miss Saigon” made it easier for me, and almost all of the songs were absolutely beautiful, mostly due to the fact that the people performing them were total stunners. Eva Noblezada, for starters, who plays the bar girl Kim. That girl is only 18 years old, but my God, she can sing like there is no tomorrow. Best voice I have heard in a long time, and her performance of Kim was flawless. She gave me goosebumps all over, and more than one tear in my eye. I see her having a very bright future on the stages of the world ahead.
Then, of course, Alistair Brammer as the soldier Chris. I could go on all day about how beautiful he is, how fit, how absolutely gorgeous and every girl’s dream. But most of all, his voice is breathtaking, and his acting talent was out of this world. I know now that this show isn’t easy at all, it doesn’t have a happy ending, but especially the last scene of it, just before the Curtain Call, is beyond difficult to play, I imagine. And Alistair was stunning in that scene, and in every single one before. You could see how emotionally caught up he is in his role, and that makes his display of Chris even more convincing.
Also, Kwang-Ho Hong as Thuy, Kim’s to-be love interest – WOW. I totally get why he’s so well-respected and popular in Korea. That man is amazingly talented. and it’s no suprise that he got one of the loudest Standing Ovations after the show.
Last but not least, one person who also impressed me was Hugh Maynard, who played the soldier John. His performance of “Bui Doi” was just amazing, and so heartbreaking, with all the pics of poor little kids in the background. These are the things that captivate me most about shows like that: the realistic inputs that remind you that all of this is real, that it has happened at one point in history. Overall, this show blew me away, and I think I will definitely be back at some point.

Saturday, 26th of July: “The Lion King”

That show was something I had heard different things about, and it made me partly wanting to see it and partly to avoid it. I get one of my friends’ disappointment when she first went to see it years back, saying how the heads on the actors heads were confusing her, making her dislike the show because the costumes were so disappointing (which, if you compare it with “Tarzan” definitely is a true thing, I can tell you). But after now having seen it, I am glad I gave it a shot anyways – after all, it was the first childhood movie that really impressed me 20 years ago. And right at the beginning, my tears had already started running down my cheeks, because when I listened to and watched the performance of “Circle Of Life”, all those memories came back to me, and it was a beautiful thing to watch all those animals coming onto the stage, filling it with life and music, and constant goosebumps were the result. Although even the woman right next to me said how silent the sound/acoustic was compared to the tour version she had seen once, and despite the fact that this show is definitely not one that has a lot of challenging vocals compared to other shows, I was impressed and loved it. The Cast was absolutely talented, especially the guy who played Simba that day, Nic Vani. When he came on stage during his “growing-up scene” in “Hakuna Matata”, I constantly fell in love with his amazing voice.
The highlight in this show, though, for me, were 4 people who don’t even have the biggest roles: Brown Lindiwe Mkhize, who played Rafiki exactly as I always thought he should be on stage, and the 3 people playing the hyenas, Shenzi, Banzai & Ed: Sarah Amankhwah, Taofique Folarin & Mark McGee. Just wow. I absolutely adored their costumes, and together with the one of Pumba, they were my favourites and the best in the entire show, and even more so, their acting talent was both flawless and hilarious. Watching them definitely made my night, because they were playing exactly as I remembered it from the movie. Though a few things were completely different to what happened in said movie, it even gave the show more spirit, and those changes were necessary to make it such a successfully running thing on the West End.

Saturday, 26th of July: “Book Of Mormon”

Cast Change day. I wasn’t aware of that until only a few days before my departure, and I knew the theatre and the Stage Door would both be packed, because the two Principal Roles, Gavin Creel (Elder Price) & Jared Gertner (Elder Cunningham) would be having their last show. AND WHAT A SHOW IT WAS. It was my 2nd time seeing it, and I can say nothing else than that I fell in love with it even more than during the 1st time. Everyone on that stage was and is beyond talented, and it’s the most hilarious thing I have ever seen in my life – and don’t even try and get me to explain it to you, because, hands down, “Book Of Mormon” simply is something that you can’t explain to anybody. So I advise you to go and see it yourself as soon as you can 😉
As we had Jared Gertner, who is the First Cast for Elder Cunningham, it was a different experience for me than the first time, when I was lucky enough to get David O’Reilly in that role. Jared was flawless, without a doubt. His Cunningham is beyond adorable, and he has a certain thing around him that makes you forget that behind all that clothing and Make-Up there is a grown man. You can’t help but love his talent and his display of that role, and although his role doesn’t really require huge singing talent (in my opinion, that is), his voice was wonderful to listen to, and there’s no doubt about his future acting career in the USA. Still, I have to admit, I desperately missed David O’Reilly on stage that night, because for me, he is “my” Elder Cunningham, someone who makes that role even more special in my opinion.
Gavin Creel…what can I say? He was flawless, his Elder Price is breathtaking, and with just a few words, a few moves, a few vocals, he has the entire audience tightly in the palm of his hand. His talent is insane, and the way he plays his role is indescribably good. Whenever I listen to him, I can’t help but at least bobbing with my head, or tipping my feet on the ground, and just smile widely the entire time. He has this certain thing around him that makes you feel welcome, that makes you feel kind of “home”, and I am truly blessed and honoured I had the chance to see the massive talent of his twice on stage. And although I hope he will be back on the West End stage more than soon, I wish him all the best for his life and career in the USA.
Alexia Khadime, as usual, was breathtaking, can’t say it any other way. That woman is just wow, no matter what she does or says or sings. I don’t know what is more stunning, her acting or her singing talent, and she is – without a doubt – the best Nabalungi that anybody who goes and sees the show will ever get to see.
With the rest of the Cast, especially the Elders, there is massive talent on that stage. No matter if it’s singing or acting, whenever I see them on stage (I know it’s only been two times, but it feels like way more), I am beyond impressed by how fitting each and every single on of them is in their roles, it never fails to amaze me. And I hope everyone of them will be staying for a while longer in this show, because without a doubt, you can see how much they love and enjoy to be part of it, of the Mormon Family. And they just simply deserve to be in it.

Sunday, 27th of July: “The Commitments”

If you have read an earlier post of mine on here about the show, then you know how little I liked it, mostly due to the fact that I barely understood anything (I blame the thick irish accent). And I think if you don’t understand a show, there is no way that even the best Cast can help you enjoy it anyway. I had, however, decided to give it another shot. And yes, I am SO glad I did.
I have never seen myself as a soul person, and although the songs sounded familiar, I never really liked them, they’re not my kind of thing, I guess. This show changed everything, though. The Cast was absolutely on fire, and I can’t even emphasize anyone in particular, because hands down, what the guys and girls on that stage do up there every night is mindblowing. May it be Ian McIntosh, who is the understudy for Deco, and who is just one of the most talented and blessed young men any stage has ever seen, or Mark Dugdale, who is just hilarious as Derek in any way I could think of, or Joe Woolmer, who I massively adore since the first time I saw him in the role of Mickah (seriously, if that guy doesn’t make you almost pee yourself laughing, then something really is wrong with you), or John McLarnon, Andrew Linnie, Sarah O’Connor, Denis Grindel, who we had as Jimmy that day (and who was good but not as brilliant as Thomas Snowdon on my first visit last November), Brian Gilligan, Stephanie McKeon…I could go on and on. The thing is: the talent on this stage is what makes the show vivid, and even more so, makes it such a feel-good show. I didn’t realize it the first time I went to see it, maybe because I had no idea what it was about, didn’t understand Jack Squad and was accompanied by just the wrong people, but I can safely say that now I absolutely adore this show and its brilliant Cast.
The Stage Door afterwards was total madness for us and I don’t even know how to understand anything that happened that might, but at some point, Mark Dugdale re-named me “Helga” because he thought “Tanja” wasn’t a very german name, hugged me multiple times to apologize that he forgot we had already met and was just a total star, like everyone else. Definitely made that last show experience of the week the best of all. Go and see the show if you can, you’ll come out with the biggest grin on your face and soul in your feet (if you’re not like me the first time you see it, that is 😉 ).
 

Apart from all the theatre experiences, I, overall, had the most amazing time in my favourite city, with the best people I could ever ask for, who not only made my birthday special, but the entire trip. I have amazing friends in them (old and new), and I feel absolutely blessed that they could be with me during almost all of that week. Thank you Sarah, Simone, Laura, Ali, Noor, Sigal, Steph, Jus, Carol, Tracie, Natalia, Gabby, Kim and whoever I have forgotten now. You all rock, thank you for making this trip so absolutely fun and unforgettable!

Book Review: John Green – “Paper Towns”

Who is the real Margo? Quentin Jacobsen has spent a lifetime loving the magnificently adventurous Margo Roth Spiegelman from afar. So when she cracks open a window and climbs into his life – dressed like a ninja and summoning him for an ingenious campaign of revenge – he follows. After their all-nighter ends and a new day breaks, Q arrives at school to discover that Margo, always an enigma, has now become a mystery. She has disappeared. Q soon learns that there are clues in her disappearance . . . and they are for him. Trailing Margo’s disconnected path across the USA, the closer Q gets, the less sure he is of who he is looking for... (Source: amazon.com)

I am going to be honest here: after I had read “The Fault In Our Stars” (read my review for it here), – I doubted I’d ever read another John Green book again. Not because I didn’t like it or because it wasn’t good – because it was good, it was amazing, actually, but normally I don’t read books like that, and it didn’t leave me as satisfied as books usually do. But somehow, while browsing through amazon, I came across “Paper Towns”. And after reading the story description, I decided to give John Green another go.

And I am so happy I did.

This book is kind of similar to “The Fault In Our Stars”, considering the main character, Margo Roth Spiegelman. She’s badass. There’s no other way to put it. While reading this book, I liked her from the first second she was mentioned – as a 9-year old, adventure-loving, non-scared little girl that drags her best friend, who is the exact opposite of her, into her weird and adventurous discoveries. As a reader, you just can’t help but helplessly admire that little girl that grows into an 18-year old woman, only a few months away from her High-School graduation, and still badass. I caught myself thinking about how much I would’ve loved to be like her, to grow into someone like her, with so many mysteries about her and an fearless attitude of pure strength. Strong-Minded. It sounds weird, but Margo Roth Spiegelman embodies everything that possibly alot of readers wish to be, too – me included.
But apart from the fact that Margo is one of the best characters that I have ever read about without her being a “physical” part of the story, all the other characters are nonetheless perfectly written:

Quentin Jacobsen
He is the actual main character, and Margo’s best friend when they are kids. One day, 9 years after they discovered a dead body in a park not afar from where they live, she shows up on his windowsill in the middle of the night and takes him onto an adventure of revenge that will change his life forever – and will mark the best night of his entire life. Quentin (or Q, how he’s often named by his friends) is such a lovable character; he’s in love with Margo from the get go, and from the moment she disappears, becoming yet another mystery, his everyday life evolves around finding her, finding out who she really is. He is determined to put everything into his search, even if it means almost losing his best friend and missing out on his graduation. It’s easy to feel sympathy for him, whatever he does – he’s the nice boy next door that you just can’t help but fall for.

Ben Starling
Ben is Quentin’s best friend – and god, from all the characters in this book, I could and can never get enough of him. He’s the most hilarious and sympathetic character I have ever had the pleasure to read about, without any doubt. He’s best described as the poor dork at High School that doesn’t have a lot of friends, but he’s perfectly happy in his own little world, and his nerdy, funny character makes you smile whenever you hear his name. There is one point in the book – in the last of the three parts, – where I almost laughed out loud on the bus (I’m not going to spoil it for anybody here, I’m just going to say “pee situation in the car” – utterly hilarious), and for me, that is one of the best moments of him in the entire book, although I can’t really picture anything that does not strike me as awesome about him. He’s quick-witted, sarcastic, and he handles every situation the way that I personally, would love to be able to handle. He’s that one friend that you just need in your life to get through (High) School, that one friend that makes your life bearable and worth living. So if it’s possible to be in love with a fictional character, then I am now in love with Mr. Ben Starling.

Radar
Radar is the other best friend of Quentin, an Afro-American boy with parents who are obsessed with collecting Black Santas. Radar is kind of the “brain” of the group, he runs an internet knowledge thing called “Omnictionary”, and basically, he knows a bit about everything. Plus, he’s kind of what keeps the friends together, even when there are bumps in the road (e.g. when Quentin feels let down by Ben due to him having a girlfriend). He’s also the one that helps Quentin piece together all the clues that he has to face on his quest to find Margo and despite all the difficulties, he never seems to lose his positive energy, something I really admired through every chapter. He’s definitely the kind of friend someone like Quentin and Ben need in their life: a grown-up, yet still grounded and somewhat “young at heart” young man.

I have to say: for me, the book never really loses its pace, although you would expect that from the way the story developes; in part one, the reader is first introduced to Margo and Quentin and is led into the night that Margo “kidnaps” Quentin for her weird revenge spree, the second part is based on the moment that Margo disappears and Quentin dedicates his life to her safe return home, and the third part describes the road trip of the friends that lead to the ultimate revelation.
Although you might think that the 2nd part can be the one that is the dullest of all, because, basically, all that’s happening is leading Quentin everywhere and nowhere. It can be easy to lose yourself in the storyline, you can get easily annoyed by thinking “He finally found a clue to her! Now he is finally going to find her!” only to then being disappointed again. But for me, that was even more of a reason to keep reading, because I felt like the disappointments that Quentin felt whenever he realized he wasn’t closer to finding Margo than he had been before, was my disappointment. I felt like I was Quentin, because I could easily empathize with him – which is only one of many reasons why this book is the perfect example of modern literature.

My favourite part – without a doubt, – was definitely the third part, which is called “The Vessel”, where the friends start their road trip. I think I have never grinned so much at every single chapter, and neither did I ever have so many difficulties to not laugh out loud at what I was reading. For me, reading something and instantly having the situation infront of your inner eye, is beautiful (although I have never been in the USA, neither have I ever been on a road trip of 21 hours), and it makes the story so much more vivid than it already is.

The end was something I did not expect in the way it happened. I will not spoil anything for anyone here, because honestly, I think everyone should read this book for him/herself. But what I’m going to say is this: the end made me highly emotional. I barely ever cry over a story/book (mostly due to the fact that I always read thriller or horror books, I guess). But right now, I am a somewhat emotional wreck, because I don’t even know how I actually feel about the end. In some way, it’s the best ending that, in my opinion, the author could and should have come up with. In its own way, it’s absolutely perfect.

And for me, that is enough to give this book a special place in my heart. John Green now definitely has me as a fan among his readers. “Paper Towns” is one utterly beautiful piece of literature.

P.S. Please make Ben Starling a real life person that lives next door to me and is single. Thank you.

Denial Time

It’s time again. 40 days until Easter. And today not only marks the end of that stupid festival time in some parts of Germany that you call “Carnival” (which, basically, is only a valid excuse for binge drinking and whoring around, really), but also the beginning of the fasting period.

Now, nor am I a religious person at all nor do I believe anybody should put themselves into a position where they deny themselves the stuff they do/eat/drink everyday for the sake of all the people in the Third World or wherever who can’t even afford a bar of chocolate. Because, to be blunt, what good does it do THEM if YOU stop eating sweets or quit smoking? They don’t even know you exist. For me, not a reason or excuse at all to fast for 40 days. Neither is the fact that some people do it to lose weight – come on: if you’re really unhappy with your weight or your level of fitness, why take the 40 days to Easter as an easy way out when after that, in most cases, everything’s back to normal? For me, it’s like saying you quit smoking or start going to the gym as a New Year’s Resolution. To be honest, I don’t have a very high opinion on people who do that.

This year is, however, different. I have been unhappy with my looks even more over the past months that I am anyways. I would not call myself overweight, because actually I am scaringly underweight – even my doctor said that when I went for a basic check-up a few months back. It’s just that although I try to go to the gym regularly, I feel like I have become a pretty lazy punk since November, and I hate myself for it. I notice some fat slowly building up on my usual very flat stomach, and, what’s worse, I begin to develop a horrible double chin – bleurgh. My friends and colleagues and even people who barely see me say that I am mad for being so excessive about this, about eating less than I should, about going to the gym, about losing weight because I don’t need to. They keep telling me over and over that it’s stupid.

But fact is: if I don’t have my thin body, I don’t really have any good feature that would make me recognizable at all. I have pretty wonky teeth, weird eyebrows, a weird nose, my nails are breaking too easily and when I am nervous, I tend to pick on my fingers and lips until the skin is raw (I know, eww). I hate this about me, among alot of other things. I don’t have any self-confidence whatsoever and I doubt myself every single day of my life. Plus, I have eaten more sweets, especially chocolate, since November than I ever did before, and I don’t even want to consider the fact that it might have to do something with me living where I live.

So today, I have thought: screw it. I’m going to try to do this fast thing. I’m going to try to deny myself the things I noticed I kind of need every day recently: too much sweets. Starting from now on with no Red Bull (maybe not a big deal for you, but for me, it is, as it’s the only thing keeping me awake at times), no coffee, but tea, and no chocolate whatsoever at work – which I always have in my drawers, just in case I need a sugar boost in the office, I think the people who read this and work in an office job, too, will understand.

I am not going to say that this will work out, because, hands down, it probably won’t. I know me. But it doesn’t matter. I am not doing this for anyone else, neither to prove friends/colleagues how strong-willed I am, nor for the sake of all the poor, starving people who don’t even know of my existence. I am doing this for me, and for me only.

Because I know that only if you like yourself, if you like looking at yourself in the mirror every day, if you feel happy with the way you are, only then will others be able to like you just the way you are, too (yes, Bruno Mars reference right there).

And now, to try and not pull out the package of crisps while watching the international soccer match of Germany against Chile. Wish me luck.

What A Girl Wants

No, this is not another post about Leonardo DiCaprio. I had a long talk last night with one of my best friends, Sarah, about a certain girly stuff: men. And that made me think about a few things that I’d like to get off my chest.

I have always been a loner, concerning friends and relationships with guys I like. I haven’t had a nice past with either of these two groups of people, and maybe that made me a loner…no, it definitely did. But what bugs me is that a while back, and sometimes these days, my (girly) friends of now 7 years seem to think I am missing out on the best thing in life because I am shy and a loner in general. Like having a relationship, getting married, having kids, a house and a labradoodle would be the only thing worth living for. Of course – what a shocker! – all my friends are either in a relationship, married or one of them even has a baby boy now (who’s the sweetest little boy ever, for real, to be girlish here). They all have plans at one point in their life to built a life with their partners, and whenever I don’t feel like meeting up with them because for me, it would somehow feel like a group-couple-meeting, I feel judged in their minds. They are not always saying it, thank God, normally they know better than that, but I know they think my rejection to them has only one reason: ENVY.

And I am so sick of this.

Here’s what I really see as the principal aims in my life:

1. Honest, reliable & true friends
To me, this is actually way more important than being in a relationship with a guy. People you can turn to when you feel like giving up, people you can trust with your whole heart and who, even when there are more than just a few bumps down the road, will always be there to help you when you stumble. And to be honest, whenever I am about to meet my best friend Kim in Hamburg or the friends I now have in the UK – among all of them Susie, Sarah, Noor & Sigal – I get more excited and happy about it than I could ever be with meeting a guy for a date (because hands down, I’m horrible at dating). This it what makes me happy.

2. A good, steady & safe job
This should be kind of a goal for every person to aim for. I could never, and will never, picture myself having no job, sitting at home 24/7, either by choice or not. After more than a week of holidays at home, I always feel like I’m going stir-crazy and wish to go back to work, to my crazy, often annoying colleagues – people who nevertheless often are what keeps me sane 8 hours a day. Plus, even when you get home after an exhausting day, you can look back proudly because you have actually done something, reached something, even if it’s the smallest thing. This is what makes me content.

3. Travelling far, often & with a lot of beautiful memories
Here’s where it gets tricky. Being scared as hell of flying is a huge obstacle on this subject, but due to a lot of beautiful memories over the past 3 years, I have found other ways to travel around, and where I plan on going in the near future, I can go by train or bus – even if it will contain hours and hours of travelling around. And although I know myself and am pretty sure I will never be able to overcome my fear of flying: you never know what might change one day after all. This is what gets me excited.

4. Making different, interesting & nice experiences
Theatre, cinema, musicals, concerts, stand-up comedy, conventions, readings – I haven’t experienced all of the mentioned yet, but basically they are my life. They are what I get excited about, what I enjoy the most, because they combine all of my passions: movies, music, series & books. They are completing me. This is what relaxes me.

5. A nice, lovely & perfect place to live
We all have that one happy place that we want to go and live at for the rest of my life. For most of my life, this place was New Zealand, and since 2012, my new happy place is the UK. I love London to bits, and I have never been really happy to live where I live now, in Germany, in the flat and city I’m currently residing in. I dream and plan to one day leave this godforsaken city and country for good and live somewhere nice in the UK forever. With all external circumstances falling together into one piece, that is. This is what keeps me going.

THESE are the things I want, the things that make me happy, the things that make me who I am. Not a guy, not a marriage, not having a family. I’m not delusional, somewhere in the back of my mind there is the tiny spot that – of course – somehow hopes there’ll be a soulmate at the other end one day. But I am not searching for him. I’m not waiting for him. One of my friends, Laura, is kind of a role model for me in that: she raises her two kids all on her own in the best way a mother could do; her kids are well-educated, polite, nice and lovely. Laura doesn’t need a man to raise them to excellent people one day – she knows women should be more emancipated than a lot of them actually are, and I just know she’ll look back on her life one day and know she doesn’t need to have any regrets (Plus, she’s an amazing writer; one of my dreams is becoming an author one day, but compared to her, I am crap. Really crap. She’s funny, sarcastic, blunt and highly entertaining, in comparison to my poor tries of writing. Check out for yourself: mysticmonkey86.wordpress.com). I’ll be perfectly fine without a partner, if that’s what the rest of my life is holding for me. I have never known anything else, and the sooner people – friends – stop seeing me in a relationship to see me in a happy place and start realizing that what I’m doing and dreaming of is what will REALLY make me happy, the better.