Dating like it’s 2007…

I’m a 90’s kid. I played outside. I spent hours playing table tennis, badminton, “Klettball” and basically got more sun on my skin than I get nowadays without being burned. I listened to cassettes that I recorded from tracks heard on the radio, panicking whenever the DJ’s cut them short or I missed the first note of a song and had to wait until it came on the next time. I collected sticker albums, trolls, plastic pacifiers on endless chains, Polly Pocket and Slime. I owned Game Boy, a discman who gave me headaches when I was running with it because the CD’s tended to have hiccups, and a Tamagotchi that I buried under the balcony behind our house when it died where it probably still lies beneath the earth.

So it just seems normal that I am a bit old school, too, when it comes to dating. I don’t have much knowledge in my life about what “dating” really means; I’ve never been on the lucky side of actually getting to date the boys I had a crush on or fell in love with (they were either not interested or already taken, of course!). But from the few things I remember and experienced myself, I have come to think a lot about recently, since I started giving the badly reviewed “Tinder” a try (Shocker!).

Where are the times that dating started in school? When you saw someone during the breaks, or on the way to/from school? When it seemed so easy to get in touch, talk, find similar interests or maybe only things to share with each other and that’s the whole deal? The older I get, the more the differences come to me, the more I realize how, despite all the social media and open world, much more difficult it has become for us to find someone to share our innermost feelings and life with at some point. It’s all about looks, as sad as that sounds, though I’m not taking myself out of that equation – in fact, if I don’t feel any connection, any…”click” when I meet a guy or see a photo of him for the first time, it’s a no from me. I can’t explain why, but, hey, honesty and stuff, right? And most guys work by that same principle – apparently, or things like “Tinder” wouldn’t work.

I remember the last time I was dating a guy – seriously dating, I was really up for commitment for the first and last time in my life so far – was, like the headline says, in 2007. And yes – it was sort of old school. He was a guy who delivered the post into the shop I was working at the time. The moment he set foot into the shop, I just got out of our storage room into the shop, too, and…well, I guess you call that “Love on First Sight”. Bang. Signed, Sealed, Delivered. At least for me. That had never happened to me before, something I only knew from movies. And we got to know each other in the time of old school text messaging (SMS), msn messenger and ICQ. We texted every single day, we talked on the phone, we spent nights talking about everything and nothing on that msn messenger. There was no picture sharing, no sending of GIFS. The highest of feelings in my time back then was the question whether one had a webcam, whereas most girls my age I knew answered “I do, but it’s not working right now, sorry.” We were SO self-conscious back then, holy crap! Always worried about how we looked on camera, or whether the guy on the other end was perverse creep just jerking off when seeing us. I remember that old sound the msn messenger made so vividly in my head; the “ding” of it always filling me with excitement and making my heart jump when I realized it was the post-delivery guy messaging me, or texting me on the phone. Months of talking like that, getting to know each other, of finding out whether you like each other, if you get along enough to maybe become more than just acquaintances. God, all those memories that seemingly only us 90’s kids can really understand.

And today? We live in the world of facebook, twitter, instagram, snapchat and whatnot. Almost everyone has made their experience with at least on dating website or app in their life – positive or negative. Seemingly, every third girl nowadays uses snapchat to put dog ears, flower wreaths or huge cute eyes as filters over their faces instead of letting people see them the way they are. Nowadays, even 12 year olds share pictures of themselves on their social media sites where they sometimes wear next to nothing and complain about “men” who are shit (seriously? MEN? You’re 12, girl, go and get your Barbie dolls out!). People jump from one relationship to another, while it seems that their inhibition levels are as low as they never have been. And while I agree that looks have always been the biggest factor of two people starting a relationship with each other, it now seems to me, 10 years since the last time I was dating, those filter thingys have made it so much more difficult to actually CONNECT with someone you meet online, because you instantly have a certain “bar” in your head, to which the other person has to reach, and if he or she is below that, you will probably have no more than an idle, short chat with each other. Because when it comes down to it, it often is clear very quickly that in person, meeting each other, there is not really much that connects us except what we know from each other online, about the “mask” we have put up on there to protect ourselves from hurt and heartbreak. We somehow lost the ability to just…enjoy ourselves around people, be ourselves, screw what our dating partner might think of us. We play a role so the other person likes us and we do not stay alone forever (no, I’m not overly dramatic, what makes you think that?)

Ever since facebook and all that other social media stuff has arrived in our lives, we have become so damn focussed on how we look, what we post, what we say, that somehow that has become the main goal in dating – being SEEN, but not REALLY SEEN, if that makes any sense. And if I look back on dating 10 years ago and today, one thing has become more clear to me than ever: men are more openly horny and on the lookout for banging willing women than they used to be when I was still young and innocent enough to believe in dating myself. Before I crashed down from Cloud 9 into the bitter reality that looks really matter too much, in each direction. Nowadays, you can’t just go online on some dating website, and first get to know someone, his life and whatnot, to find out if you could “click” and then meet up…no. Nowadays, mostly, it’s clear after a bit of small talk and friendly banter that the guy who seems genuinely nice actually is like so many others and only wants one thing (just happened to me again today, so I’m not just pretending, I’m stating facts). And it really annoys the hell out of me, to be honest.

I miss those times in 2007. When it was all about the excitement of talking to someone, to see someone, to CONNECT with someone, without all the pressure of relationships, marriage, kids, a house, garden and dog – because that’s the pressure that comes to people no matter what, the older they get. It’s how our society is working these days, you can’t stop it. There are too many expectations we put onto our ourselves and others, which turns into too much pressure being put onto our shoulders by us and others instead of just doing it like we did so many years back – yeah, dating like 2007. Because we’re worried about the way we are seen by others, more worried than our younger selves used to be.

And thinking about it, I personally miss that “innocent” time and catch myself wishing more and more often that social media wouldn’t exist anymore, that we would all not be so dependent on who we are to others. I miss this innocent dating, this sinking feeling in my stomach when I hear the sound of a text message come in, or seeing his name pop up on my telephone screen. Hell, I am so trapped in all these “statutes” that have come to light since facebook & co. showed up, that these days, I’m even too scared and self-conscious to tell the best friend of MY best friend’s husband that I actually really like him for a couple of months now, and would like to get to know him if he’d give me the chance to, despite the about 400km between us. I’ve become so self-conscious about how a woman my age has to behave towards men. 30 is not an age, and I certainly don’t feel my age (more like, 18 or something), but whenever you go out or online nowadays, you see what women my age have reached – relationship-/experience-like – and it just scares the shit out of you, because it’s not just the pressure of convincing someone online or even outside that you’re actually worth dating when being yourself, but also the pressure that you have zero experience in that field, and you’re always confronted with how that is just not normal.

I used to be so courageous, so fearless when it came to men I saw on the street (like promoters or sth) who I felt attracted to, or in a shop I was buying stuff – I just went in, passed my number over in a letter or card, or one time, even used the number of one of our customers to tell him I thought he was interesting and I’d like to get to know him (the guy was one of the sweetest I ever came across; he had a girlfriend, he told me, who he would ask whether it was okay if he and I stayed in touch. I hadn’t heard from him for over a month, if it was okay for her, which was okay for me, as it sent a clear enough message to me, when one day I got a text message from him, saying that he felt it was unfair not replying to me anymore that his girlfriend didn’t like the idea of us being in touch, but that he wished me all the best for my future.). And today, 10 years older, I can’t even fucking facebook-message the guy I am very much interested in and can’t stop thinking about for the past almost 5 weeks that I like him. The world of dating in the time of facebook, Tinder & Co., ladies and gentlemen.

Let’s just take the clock and turn it back to that time 10 or 12 years ago when life seemed so much easier when it came to affairs of the heart.

That sounds like a plan to me.

What A Girl Wants

No, this is not another post about Leonardo DiCaprio. I had a long talk last night with one of my best friends, Sarah, about a certain girly stuff: men. And that made me think about a few things that I’d like to get off my chest.

I have always been a loner, concerning friends and relationships with guys I like. I haven’t had a nice past with either of these two groups of people, and maybe that made me a loner…no, it definitely did. But what bugs me is that a while back, and sometimes these days, my (girly) friends of now 7 years seem to think I am missing out on the best thing in life because I am shy and a loner in general. Like having a relationship, getting married, having kids, a house and a labradoodle would be the only thing worth living for. Of course – what a shocker! – all my friends are either in a relationship, married or one of them even has a baby boy now (who’s the sweetest little boy ever, for real, to be girlish here). They all have plans at one point in their life to built a life with their partners, and whenever I don’t feel like meeting up with them because for me, it would somehow feel like a group-couple-meeting, I feel judged in their minds. They are not always saying it, thank God, normally they know better than that, but I know they think my rejection to them has only one reason: ENVY.

And I am so sick of this.

Here’s what I really see as the principal aims in my life:

1. Honest, reliable & true friends
To me, this is actually way more important than being in a relationship with a guy. People you can turn to when you feel like giving up, people you can trust with your whole heart and who, even when there are more than just a few bumps down the road, will always be there to help you when you stumble. And to be honest, whenever I am about to meet my best friend Kim in Hamburg or the friends I now have in the UK – among all of them Susie, Sarah, Noor & Sigal – I get more excited and happy about it than I could ever be with meeting a guy for a date (because hands down, I’m horrible at dating). This it what makes me happy.

2. A good, steady & safe job
This should be kind of a goal for every person to aim for. I could never, and will never, picture myself having no job, sitting at home 24/7, either by choice or not. After more than a week of holidays at home, I always feel like I’m going stir-crazy and wish to go back to work, to my crazy, often annoying colleagues – people who nevertheless often are what keeps me sane 8 hours a day. Plus, even when you get home after an exhausting day, you can look back proudly because you have actually done something, reached something, even if it’s the smallest thing. This is what makes me content.

3. Travelling far, often & with a lot of beautiful memories
Here’s where it gets tricky. Being scared as hell of flying is a huge obstacle on this subject, but due to a lot of beautiful memories over the past 3 years, I have found other ways to travel around, and where I plan on going in the near future, I can go by train or bus – even if it will contain hours and hours of travelling around. And although I know myself and am pretty sure I will never be able to overcome my fear of flying: you never know what might change one day after all. This is what gets me excited.

4. Making different, interesting & nice experiences
Theatre, cinema, musicals, concerts, stand-up comedy, conventions, readings – I haven’t experienced all of the mentioned yet, but basically they are my life. They are what I get excited about, what I enjoy the most, because they combine all of my passions: movies, music, series & books. They are completing me. This is what relaxes me.

5. A nice, lovely & perfect place to live
We all have that one happy place that we want to go and live at for the rest of my life. For most of my life, this place was New Zealand, and since 2012, my new happy place is the UK. I love London to bits, and I have never been really happy to live where I live now, in Germany, in the flat and city I’m currently residing in. I dream and plan to one day leave this godforsaken city and country for good and live somewhere nice in the UK forever. With all external circumstances falling together into one piece, that is. This is what keeps me going.

THESE are the things I want, the things that make me happy, the things that make me who I am. Not a guy, not a marriage, not having a family. I’m not delusional, somewhere in the back of my mind there is the tiny spot that – of course – somehow hopes there’ll be a soulmate at the other end one day. But I am not searching for him. I’m not waiting for him. One of my friends, Laura, is kind of a role model for me in that: she raises her two kids all on her own in the best way a mother could do; her kids are well-educated, polite, nice and lovely. Laura doesn’t need a man to raise them to excellent people one day – she knows women should be more emancipated than a lot of them actually are, and I just know she’ll look back on her life one day and know she doesn’t need to have any regrets (Plus, she’s an amazing writer; one of my dreams is becoming an author one day, but compared to her, I am crap. Really crap. She’s funny, sarcastic, blunt and highly entertaining, in comparison to my poor tries of writing. Check out for yourself: mysticmonkey86.wordpress.com). I’ll be perfectly fine without a partner, if that’s what the rest of my life is holding for me. I have never known anything else, and the sooner people – friends – stop seeing me in a relationship to see me in a happy place and start realizing that what I’m doing and dreaming of is what will REALLY make me happy, the better.