Con Blues – A Thread

Isn’t it weird how you do something for year after year, taking it for granted, and when it ends, you’re heartbroken, but after a while, life goes on…and then, a couple of years later, you get to do it again for just a couple of hours and you’re suddenly thrown back into it and realize how much you miss that time of your life?

For me, that was Convention Life. From 2011 to 2013, I went to 4 Conventions – 3 AECON’s and 1 Bloody Con, and I made memories I never want to miss, and friendships I never want to end. It was normal to go back every year to the different places, to freak out over guest announcements, to go skint by buying Photo Ops like there’s no tomorrow. But what I loved the most about it was the whole experience, the atmosphere you feel when you’re there. Even though there are exceptions, it all feels like a big family, everyone is there for the same reason, and even though you may not talk to most of the people, you all are connected in your minds and hearts, because you all share the love for the theme of those conventions. You have the time of your life, and just for that weekend, you forget anything you’re worrying about in your life, leave reality outside the doors.

And when it’s over, the “Conblues” sets in, even though you might not even be able to say why, because basically, what you’ve experienced was something good, something that makes you happy. You just want to go back and do it all over again, but knowing that you can’t right away is hitting you pretty hard, at the latest once you’re back home.

I haven’t experienced this in over 6 years – until two days ago, when I spontaneously went to CCXP in Cologne, only to meet one of my favourite actors for the past 10 years, Zachary Levi, for a short couple of seconds. And I have to say, I came back with more than what I went there for.

First of all – I met the damned BEST Cosplay I have ever seen in my entire life, and ever since, I just can’t seem to get the 5 guys out of my head:

As a huge Marvel fan, this “Avengers” group has rocked my world as much as nothing at such an event has ever done before, and the guys – all of them from Italy – are just mindblowingly good. Especially Marco Spatola, the one as Tony Stark is just…let’s just say I obviously am still able to become a massive fangirl 6 years on, with no sign of it fading away any time soon. Hell, I’ve printed the picture I took with them out and it now hangs next to my bed!  It shook me even more than the fact that after 10 years I finally met one of my idols, Zachary Levi – CRAZY.  By the way – I am even more amazed by that man than I already was before. He’s humble, kind, funny, a gentleman, and he gives you nothing but good feelings when you meet him. And when you’re anxious or nervous, it instantly fades once you stand face to face with that amazing human being. He just has this wonderful aura that makes you feel better and all warm and happy inside.

And even though I’m turning 33 in just three weeks, I’ve felt the Conblues set in the moment I waited for my train home after less than 3 hours at CCXP. Despite being there on my own, not being able to experience it with a friend for the first time since 2011, I missed everything about it already. The atmosphere at these events still feels like something else entirely. The adrenaline rush when meeting your stars, of getting in touch with other fans, and for the first time for me, also with Cosplayers of all kinds, the feeling like being in a completely different world for just a bit. I’ve been talking to a girl I met online when we both saw Zachary Levi was attending, and hearing my feelings about that entire day being redirected at me from her, all that shared love and happiness, is something I haven’t felt since my last Convention in 2013, and though it’s crazy at my age, I feel like I’m 25 again, when I first experienced it. It’s crazy, and weird, and I want to talk about it 24/7 right now. And despite the fact that a couple of years back I knew I was getting too old for these events, I know for a fact now that you’re never too old for them. Because once you’re back there, with all those fellow souls, it doesn’t matter how old you are, what you look like, the only thing that counts is the atmosphere completely taking you in and embracing you like an old friend, as if you’ve never been away.

See you June 25th-28th 2020, CCXP. See you, Gabriele, Marco, Michele, Matteo & Marko. Can’t wait to feel the same exhilaration all over again, there’s not much like it.

How did the Avengers phrase it?

“Whatever it takes.”

Not all who wander are lost.

Everyone has envied one or more of the friends in their life at some point during their years, for their better financial situation, relationship with their family, their partners, the places they go to on holiday and whatnot. I for one never was envious of people’s destinations. But the older you get, the view on life shifts without one even noticing it, maybe.

At the end of 2017, a friend of mine left Germany to spent one and a half years doing Work & Travel around New Zealand, and although I always had a soft spot for that beautiful country, I was happy for her, for getting that opportunity to find her place in life and, more importantly, herself. I got to spent some time with her again one and a half week ago when she was visiting her family here, and boy, did she find herself. That experience, that country…it changed her. She always had a bubbling personality, always had been someone easy to be around, and whose company you can’t help but love in your life. And I never thought it was possible to outdo that. I have never met anybody so happy, satisfied and confident in herself. So…glowing with a positivity that has no peer. With no worries about everyday life. And overall, so absolutely balanced as only someone can be who is happy within themselves, inside and out. When I saw this, and heard what she felt now in comparison to just 4 months ago, I felt like crying, so happy was I for her for finding her place in this world.

It was this positivity in and around her that I envy now, and that now makes my heart ache for the same experience. I envy the guts people like her have, and the risks they are willing to take to find true happiness and somewhere they belong. With no safety net around to catch them when they fall. What about a steady job? A house/flat/appartment that you always can go back to? A social security? Health insurance? Or basic stuff, like warm water, a cosy bed, food you know can stomach?

It’s because of these things that the wanderlust I’ve had for the past couple of years (and especially since one of my best friends took me to St. Abbs, Scotland, for my birthday last year) has worsened. I yearn for new places, yet I am hindering myself due to my fear of flying, or my financial situation. Everyone would say those are things you can get over with, if you just REALLY want them to change. And to some degree, I do agree. But in my head, I know that a life like my friend in New Zealand has now would never work for me. I am a safety person, I need assurance of a job that I will have, no matter what. I need an appartment which provides the basic needs a human has, in a clean and orderly environment. I need to know I can always go to a pharmacy or my doctor to get the various medications for my IBS, migraines, nausea and whatnot. I need the safe knowledge that when I wake up the next day, I know where I am going, that I do not need to worry about having to sleep on the street because I can’t afford a flat, or how to pay a doctor’s bill (worst case scenario).

The “live for the moment” thing by going abroad like said friend is something that I just feel would really help me, finding myself, being content with myself, because I’m confessing right here: I am not happy in myself and my life. I live everyday, I even have loads of good things happening to me, things I experience on my own or with friends, things that make life brighter. But you know when you sometimes feel like it’s just not enough, when you see how brave, content, and just fucking HAPPY some of your friends are? THAT. Sometimes, being happy for the good things that happen to people close to your heart is just not enough, and so hard. But you keep going. And admiring others for their courage, and wishing them nothing but true happiness in their journeys, even if you’re only ever the one at the window, waving.

But who knows – maybe some day, there will be a moment the switch in my brain is going to be flipped and boldness and courage to go out into the world, not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, will be the only thing that matters, no matter the consequences. Maybe one day my fear of “not knowing” will be beaten by the bigger will to LIVE FULLY instead of just…functioning in society.

Denial Time

It’s time again. 40 days until Easter. And today not only marks the end of that stupid festival time in some parts of Germany that you call “Carnival” (which, basically, is only a valid excuse for binge drinking and whoring around, really), but also the beginning of the fasting period.

Now, nor am I a religious person at all nor do I believe anybody should put themselves into a position where they deny themselves the stuff they do/eat/drink everyday for the sake of all the people in the Third World or wherever who can’t even afford a bar of chocolate. Because, to be blunt, what good does it do THEM if YOU stop eating sweets or quit smoking? They don’t even know you exist. For me, not a reason or excuse at all to fast for 40 days. Neither is the fact that some people do it to lose weight – come on: if you’re really unhappy with your weight or your level of fitness, why take the 40 days to Easter as an easy way out when after that, in most cases, everything’s back to normal? For me, it’s like saying you quit smoking or start going to the gym as a New Year’s Resolution. To be honest, I don’t have a very high opinion on people who do that.

This year is, however, different. I have been unhappy with my looks even more over the past months that I am anyways. I would not call myself overweight, because actually I am scaringly underweight – even my doctor said that when I went for a basic check-up a few months back. It’s just that although I try to go to the gym regularly, I feel like I have become a pretty lazy punk since November, and I hate myself for it. I notice some fat slowly building up on my usual very flat stomach, and, what’s worse, I begin to develop a horrible double chin – bleurgh. My friends and colleagues and even people who barely see me say that I am mad for being so excessive about this, about eating less than I should, about going to the gym, about losing weight because I don’t need to. They keep telling me over and over that it’s stupid.

But fact is: if I don’t have my thin body, I don’t really have any good feature that would make me recognizable at all. I have pretty wonky teeth, weird eyebrows, a weird nose, my nails are breaking too easily and when I am nervous, I tend to pick on my fingers and lips until the skin is raw (I know, eww). I hate this about me, among alot of other things. I don’t have any self-confidence whatsoever and I doubt myself every single day of my life. Plus, I have eaten more sweets, especially chocolate, since November than I ever did before, and I don’t even want to consider the fact that it might have to do something with me living where I live.

So today, I have thought: screw it. I’m going to try to do this fast thing. I’m going to try to deny myself the things I noticed I kind of need every day recently: too much sweets. Starting from now on with no Red Bull (maybe not a big deal for you, but for me, it is, as it’s the only thing keeping me awake at times), no coffee, but tea, and no chocolate whatsoever at work – which I always have in my drawers, just in case I need a sugar boost in the office, I think the people who read this and work in an office job, too, will understand.

I am not going to say that this will work out, because, hands down, it probably won’t. I know me. But it doesn’t matter. I am not doing this for anyone else, neither to prove friends/colleagues how strong-willed I am, nor for the sake of all the poor, starving people who don’t even know of my existence. I am doing this for me, and for me only.

Because I know that only if you like yourself, if you like looking at yourself in the mirror every day, if you feel happy with the way you are, only then will others be able to like you just the way you are, too (yes, Bruno Mars reference right there).

And now, to try and not pull out the package of crisps while watching the international soccer match of Germany against Chile. Wish me luck.