Locked In

As I’ve just finished John Green’s “Turtles All The Way Down”, it left me so impressed by its story and theme that I feel the need to express some things.

Though I can truly identify with her, I am not entirely like its main character, Aza Holmes. I do not have huge mental health issues; I do not have a massive fear of germs, bacteria, becoming sick, or constantly think about all the things that could happen to me, healthwise. I have my own little issues, though – when I’m getting nervous about something, or excited, or angry, or worried, I get IBS symptoms that mentally pull me down for a while and limit my life’s quality, together with migraine attacks every now and then. In no way has my life lost its entire quality as it has Aza’s, but I get how it is when you feel locked in your own head. Your thoughts whirl around it over and over; for example: when I had another migraine attack, or severe IBS problems, it takes days for me to stop worrying about when the next attack will happen, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t change that. I kinda learned to live with it, but it’s different with people in my life who don’t know what it’s like to be somewhat locked in yourself, and not just healthwise.

I have currently come across a huge disappointment by someone I cared a lot about, someone who has become more of a friend than an acquaintance over the past year since we spend every day together. And though I know its somewhat not her fault, because sometimes things just happen, and I also could’ve been clearer and realized sooner why it bothered me so much, I can’t help myself with these exhausting thoughts in my head that keep eating me up for the past couple of weeks. Fun fact: I am totally fine with it when I’m at home, or out somewhere, or with friends, but as soon as the prospect of being confronted by the situation in person again – which, frankly, is every single day, – my mind darkens, and especially the IBS issues become worse again, despite currently working on that with special medication. And I hate it, because the truth is – I miss that person, that “friend”, the way we were before I addressed her over two months ago, the way everything was perfectly good between us, and how close we were. Because I love her being my reference person every day, the way she made me smile and laugh and how she made every day so much more bearable. But the truth is, I am so locked in my grief, my disappointment and some sort of feeling betrayed (due to her suspecting me being bothered but not addressing me about it the way I did with her before) that I just can’t go back to how we were, I can’t treat us the way I did before. I see her and the other person, and I become this green-eyed thing, who gets aggressive, pissed off and hateful. My mind darkens and I feel like crying and screaming and throwing stuff around. And I know I’m going to “lose” her eventually entirely to this other person if I keep being a bitch, that she’ going to turn to that person being her reference person even more and I hate myself being like that, but I kinda am like Aza – I can’t help it, and I am sorry because it makes it so hard for people/friends around me to understand and get along just fine with me. And I want to forgive so badly, but I feel like I just CAN’T, because my mind won’t let me.

For example: I would not see myself as an attention-seeker; I hate being the center of attention, even on, say, my birthday, but every now and then, I just want people to put me there, to ask me whether I am okay, if I want to talk, if I want to meet up, if they should come meeting you, especially. And I am not talking about the very few people that always do that, those very few good friends, but maybe, other people I am in constant contact with, people you can have a great, fun time with, but feel with like it’s all just superficial, and you just feel that that is not enough. But your mind, which has locked you in, just doesn’t allow you to say that out loud, to just admit what bothers you because you don’t want to be a problem that they talk about behind your back, although at the same time, you just want to scream it out loud to them, to be the thing they care and worry about in that moment; because you have no right to tell anybody what to do, simply because YOU don’t want anybody to tell you what to do or say or think, to please others. It’s just not right.

And that’s why you keep pulling back from people, though you actually don’t always want to. But you want to pull out of uncomfortable situations, situations that somehow keep making you sick, even if those other people won’t understand it, and eventually just leave you because you don’t behave “normally”, and you just stop trying to explain yourself because it’s tiring and feels like running in circles.

I feel it’s especially hard to be me these days because in my heart, I don’t want to be like that. I want to smile and enjoy being alive, enjoy having some great people in my life, and having the opportunities to meet more people and just have a good time with them, and be happy for others who currently might be on their way into a new relationship, even if it hurts me, because I care enough about them to be happy for them. Or just enjoy people’s company because they are so openly positive about life that it should be an inspiration instead of a constant struggle with myself whether to open myself up, to forget what bothers me and look ahead instead of back to all past heartbreaks and disappointments.

But the truth is: just like Aza, my head doesn’t let me. It keeps me alert and easily shaken by things that “normal” people just move on from after a short while. And it keeps me always worrying about the “What if?’s” in life: What if the IBS comes back while you’re out? What if they get together? What if you have another migraine at the office? What if you join meetings and will feel left out, like the 3rd wheel, even if it’s not the case? What if you tell the guy you fancy how you feel or for his number and a date and he’ll turn you down? WHAT. FUCKING. IF.

My dream is to one day not being that locked in my own mind and thoughts anymore, without professional help or medication, especially with the current situation I’m in. To just be and just live like “normal” people do.

Female, Single, 31, looks for…

nothing anymore.

I recently, after years of absence, decided to register again on an online dating website that I had been a member of a couple of years back. I’m not even sure what exactly it was that I was looking for, or if I was actually truly interested in starting it again after my last date will be 10 years ago in January 2018. In truth, I somewhat “miss” the feeling when you get to know someone, when you text each other, have long phonecalls, the likes (Obviously, I dated before facebook, instagram, Snapchat and all became a real thing). It’s that phase that somehow has always kept me wanting to get back into it, this feeling of butterflies beginning to built inside your stomach, and constant goofy grins on your face when you think or talk about the other person.

But this experiment ended just as quickly as it started again, and this time, it will be for good. Because once again, my eyes have been opened widely.

You see, I’m not like normal 31-year old women. I don’t have a defect, I have two eyes, a nose, mouth, two hands, two feet, 10 fingers and 10 toes. There’s nothing physically wrong with me despite my horribly crooked teeth. I am not lesbian or bisexual.

But still – and this is a confession that I am making because I am SICK of the questions, of the astonishment, of the shock, and above all, of explaining myself! – I’ve not only never had a relationship with a boy/man in my entire life, no. I also have never kissed a guy in all my years. And to top it all – I am a virgin.

A 31-year-old virgin.

Whenever this comes up, I’m asked the same stupid questions: “Don’t you miss something in your life, then?” Well…no. Because how can you miss something you know jack squad about? And this one: “Well, being close to somebody, intimate. Don’t you miss/want that?” Well, duh, part of the answer I have just mentioned. And the other part…I’m not really a people’s person, so…no. Not really.

I feel uncomfortable when there are intimate scenes on TV or in movies, and I don’t get why nowadays, in all shows on TV there always have to be sex scenes between the actors, always making out scenes, to solve problems, to make up again and what not. Over and over and over, as if there is not enough other content to feel the minutes and hours with. I feel uncomfortable when friends talk about sex, about private parts and all those names that come up over and over again, because I have to pretend that I know what they are talking about, that I can easily be part of that conversation, though I somehow feel like I’m not part of the group during that time.

And up until one and a half years ago I never really thought about what that meant to people my age, what it meant for me and my future relationship status. But I had a facebook conversation with a guy that I got to know through a group on there, a guy I kind of clicked with quickly, we thought similar, and we both seemed to have gone through a lot in our life so far. It was just a matter of time until the conversation would switch to my relationship status and how long I had been single. And to be honest – I absolutely HATE that part of a conversation, with anyone, friends or strangers. I feel like an absolute weirdo, and I always picture their face when they hear it for the first time, that the only experience I have on the relationship and sex side is one single hug from a man who had such a huge impact on me 10 years ago that I have not considered serious dating ever since. The disbelieve, and, sometimes, disgust, like I am not normal. And sometimes, I think so myself, because I know it’s not “normal” in the sense of the word and in our society. And I think I know the reason why I can’t seem to go beyond that first stage of getting to know a guy before I am too scared to go further, decline dates and break up the contact. It lies in my family and school situation back when I was a teenager, and no therapy in the world will probably be able to get rid of it. And that guy on facebook? As much of an asshole some might think he has been for saying that so bluntly, I have to give him credit that he was brutally honest when he said:

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you, but if you haven’t had any experience whatsoever so far, what with being 30 and all, I don’t think there’ll ever be any experience at all for you. Because the older you become, the more difficult it will get.”

It shocked me to the core then, and I guess that is the reason I stopped being a member of the forementioned dating website. I stopped believing that what that guy said was utter bullshit, and just wanted to forget it. And so a couple of days ago, I signed up again and quickly started talking to somebody who was nice, someone it was easy to talk to, but after a couple of days, the conversation swerved in the direction I feared the most, and once again, by his reaction, my eyes were opened for a second time, and this time?

They’re open for good. I’m not looking anymore for the “man of my dreams”, for dates or relationships or whatnot. And somehow I’m okay with it, made my peace with it for now. Maybe the future has a different plan for me some day. We’ll see, won’t we?

 

Dating like it’s 2007…

I’m a 90’s kid. I played outside. I spent hours playing table tennis, badminton, “Klettball” and basically got more sun on my skin than I get nowadays without being burned. I listened to cassettes that I recorded from tracks heard on the radio, panicking whenever the DJ’s cut them short or I missed the first note of a song and had to wait until it came on the next time. I collected sticker albums, trolls, plastic pacifiers on endless chains, Polly Pocket and Slime. I owned Game Boy, a discman who gave me headaches when I was running with it because the CD’s tended to have hiccups, and a Tamagotchi that I buried under the balcony behind our house when it died where it probably still lies beneath the earth.

So it just seems normal that I am a bit old school, too, when it comes to dating. I don’t have much knowledge in my life about what “dating” really means; I’ve never been on the lucky side of actually getting to date the boys I had a crush on or fell in love with (they were either not interested or already taken, of course!). But from the few things I remember and experienced myself, I have come to think a lot about recently, since I started giving the badly reviewed “Tinder” a try (Shocker!).

Where are the times that dating started in school? When you saw someone during the breaks, or on the way to/from school? When it seemed so easy to get in touch, talk, find similar interests or maybe only things to share with each other and that’s the whole deal? The older I get, the more the differences come to me, the more I realize how, despite all the social media and open world, much more difficult it has become for us to find someone to share our innermost feelings and life with at some point. It’s all about looks, as sad as that sounds, though I’m not taking myself out of that equation – in fact, if I don’t feel any connection, any…”click” when I meet a guy or see a photo of him for the first time, it’s a no from me. I can’t explain why, but, hey, honesty and stuff, right? And most guys work by that same principle – apparently, or things like “Tinder” wouldn’t work.

I remember the last time I was dating a guy – seriously dating, I was really up for commitment for the first and last time in my life so far – was, like the headline says, in 2007. And yes – it was sort of old school. He was a guy who delivered the post into the shop I was working at the time. The moment he set foot into the shop, I just got out of our storage room into the shop, too, and…well, I guess you call that “Love on First Sight”. Bang. Signed, Sealed, Delivered. At least for me. That had never happened to me before, something I only knew from movies. And we got to know each other in the time of old school text messaging (SMS), msn messenger and ICQ. We texted every single day, we talked on the phone, we spent nights talking about everything and nothing on that msn messenger. There was no picture sharing, no sending of GIFS. The highest of feelings in my time back then was the question whether one had a webcam, whereas most girls my age I knew answered “I do, but it’s not working right now, sorry.” We were SO self-conscious back then, holy crap! Always worried about how we looked on camera, or whether the guy on the other end was perverse creep just jerking off when seeing us. I remember that old sound the msn messenger made so vividly in my head; the “ding” of it always filling me with excitement and making my heart jump when I realized it was the post-delivery guy messaging me, or texting me on the phone. Months of talking like that, getting to know each other, of finding out whether you like each other, if you get along enough to maybe become more than just acquaintances. God, all those memories that seemingly only us 90’s kids can really understand.

And today? We live in the world of facebook, twitter, instagram, snapchat and whatnot. Almost everyone has made their experience with at least on dating website or app in their life – positive or negative. Seemingly, every third girl nowadays uses snapchat to put dog ears, flower wreaths or huge cute eyes as filters over their faces instead of letting people see them the way they are. Nowadays, even 12 year olds share pictures of themselves on their social media sites where they sometimes wear next to nothing and complain about “men” who are shit (seriously? MEN? You’re 12, girl, go and get your Barbie dolls out!). People jump from one relationship to another, while it seems that their inhibition levels are as low as they never have been. And while I agree that looks have always been the biggest factor of two people starting a relationship with each other, it now seems to me, 10 years since the last time I was dating, those filter thingys have made it so much more difficult to actually CONNECT with someone you meet online, because you instantly have a certain “bar” in your head, to which the other person has to reach, and if he or she is below that, you will probably have no more than an idle, short chat with each other. Because when it comes down to it, it often is clear very quickly that in person, meeting each other, there is not really much that connects us except what we know from each other online, about the “mask” we have put up on there to protect ourselves from hurt and heartbreak. We somehow lost the ability to just…enjoy ourselves around people, be ourselves, screw what our dating partner might think of us. We play a role so the other person likes us and we do not stay alone forever (no, I’m not overly dramatic, what makes you think that?)

Ever since facebook and all that other social media stuff has arrived in our lives, we have become so damn focussed on how we look, what we post, what we say, that somehow that has become the main goal in dating – being SEEN, but not REALLY SEEN, if that makes any sense. And if I look back on dating 10 years ago and today, one thing has become more clear to me than ever: men are more openly horny and on the lookout for banging willing women than they used to be when I was still young and innocent enough to believe in dating myself. Before I crashed down from Cloud 9 into the bitter reality that looks really matter too much, in each direction. Nowadays, you can’t just go online on some dating website, and first get to know someone, his life and whatnot, to find out if you could “click” and then meet up…no. Nowadays, mostly, it’s clear after a bit of small talk and friendly banter that the guy who seems genuinely nice actually is like so many others and only wants one thing (just happened to me again today, so I’m not just pretending, I’m stating facts). And it really annoys the hell out of me, to be honest.

I miss those times in 2007. When it was all about the excitement of talking to someone, to see someone, to CONNECT with someone, without all the pressure of relationships, marriage, kids, a house, garden and dog – because that’s the pressure that comes to people no matter what, the older they get. It’s how our society is working these days, you can’t stop it. There are too many expectations we put onto our ourselves and others, which turns into too much pressure being put onto our shoulders by us and others instead of just doing it like we did so many years back – yeah, dating like 2007. Because we’re worried about the way we are seen by others, more worried than our younger selves used to be.

And thinking about it, I personally miss that “innocent” time and catch myself wishing more and more often that social media wouldn’t exist anymore, that we would all not be so dependent on who we are to others. I miss this innocent dating, this sinking feeling in my stomach when I hear the sound of a text message come in, or seeing his name pop up on my telephone screen. Hell, I am so trapped in all these “statutes” that have come to light since facebook & co. showed up, that these days, I’m even too scared and self-conscious to tell the best friend of MY best friend’s husband that I actually really like him for a couple of months now, and would like to get to know him if he’d give me the chance to, despite the about 400km between us. I’ve become so self-conscious about how a woman my age has to behave towards men. 30 is not an age, and I certainly don’t feel my age (more like, 18 or something), but whenever you go out or online nowadays, you see what women my age have reached – relationship-/experience-like – and it just scares the shit out of you, because it’s not just the pressure of convincing someone online or even outside that you’re actually worth dating when being yourself, but also the pressure that you have zero experience in that field, and you’re always confronted with how that is just not normal.

I used to be so courageous, so fearless when it came to men I saw on the street (like promoters or sth) who I felt attracted to, or in a shop I was buying stuff – I just went in, passed my number over in a letter or card, or one time, even used the number of one of our customers to tell him I thought he was interesting and I’d like to get to know him (the guy was one of the sweetest I ever came across; he had a girlfriend, he told me, who he would ask whether it was okay if he and I stayed in touch. I hadn’t heard from him for over a month, if it was okay for her, which was okay for me, as it sent a clear enough message to me, when one day I got a text message from him, saying that he felt it was unfair not replying to me anymore that his girlfriend didn’t like the idea of us being in touch, but that he wished me all the best for my future.). And today, 10 years older, I can’t even fucking facebook-message the guy I am very much interested in and can’t stop thinking about for the past almost 5 weeks that I like him. The world of dating in the time of facebook, Tinder & Co., ladies and gentlemen.

Let’s just take the clock and turn it back to that time 10 or 12 years ago when life seemed so much easier when it came to affairs of the heart.

That sounds like a plan to me.

Book Review: Adi Alsaid – “Let’s Get Lost”

Five strangers. Countless adventures.One epic way to get lost.
Four teens across the country have only one thing in common: a girl named LEILA. She crashes into their lives in her absurdly red car at the moment they need someone the most.  
There’s HUDSON, a small-town mechanic who is willing to throw away his dreams for true love. And BREE, a runaway who seizes every Tuesday—and a few stolen goods along the way. ELLIOT believes in happy endings…until his own life goes off-script. And SONIA worries that when she lost her boyfriend, she also lost the ability to love. 
Hudson, Bree, Elliot and Sonia find a friend in Leila. And when Leila leaves them, their lives are forever changed. But it is during Leila’s own 4,268-mile journey that she discovers the most important truth— sometimes, what you need most is right where you started. And maybe the only way to find what you’re looking for is to get lost along the way. (Source: amazon.com)

I got this book quite a while ago and finally read it – and I am more than glad that I did so. It may “only” been Alsaid’s debut novel, but to be honest, he did a pretty damn good job on it, and I am looking forward to read more of him in the future.

The story itself is segmented into 4 completely different storylines – Hudson, Bree, Elliot & Sonia – but they all have one thing in common: despite the fact that they are the main characters, the girl named Leila has been written so amazingly well by Alsaid that she really (at least for me) is what captures the reader when reading each of the chapters.

Hudson
Hudson works at his father’s garage, fixing cars, and when Leila shows up in his life, she turns it upside down in a way that everyone has probably seen at least once in movies or read about in other books – some kind of Hollywood-like love story-thing. It was easy for me to warm up to Hudson, because I could relate to a person who falls helplessly for someone at first sight (don’t let me get started about how much it has happened to myself!). I loved how Leila came crashing into his little, normal life, its path predestined, his future all laid out in front of him by his father, and makes Hudson question his life choices, thinking deeply about his dreams and fears. And she’s doing it with such an easy-going attitude that might make the reader, when being in a dark chapter in their life, wish, that kind of person would crash into it and help them turning it around, changing it forever. And when that first storyline ends, I found myself thinking “That can’t just be it, can it?”, wishing for the entire rest of the book that there will be more of it. And is there? Well, to know that, you should probably go and read it 🙂

Bree
Bree’s storyline is the one I didn’t really like at all. Bree is a runaway girl who left her home to hitchhike across the country, due to her older sister babying her all the time after their parents died of cancer. Just to get away from facing her worries and fears. I didn’t like that part that much, because with all that happens inside of it – Bree convincing Leila of shoplifting, both of them ending up in jail, all the teenage-like fighting with Bree’s sister when she comes bailing them out, – is too…”forced” for me. It’s like Alsaid tries to stretch out every single one of teenage clichés, and the only thing missing would be Bree stomping with her feet, screaming “I hate you, you ruined my life!” at her sister. It was too predictable for me what would come next on Bree’s road trip, to be fair. The only thing that made up for the lack of surprise – once again – was Leila. Her role in the storyline was a beautiful one, what with her being the thing that makes Bree do the right life choice for herself after such a long time of running away from it.

Elliot
I have nothing else than praise for this storyline, and it was by far my absolute favourite. Of course, if I talked about teenage clichés in the “Bree” part, I have to speak about them in this one, too. Elliot, on his prom night, having the worst moment of his life when he confessed his love to his best friend and is clearly rejected (she runs away), is the picture perfect example of a lot of young teenage boys in any Hollywood movie anybody could possibly ever think of. The story itself reeks of “Happy Ending”. And yet, Alsaid understands how to play it out, throwing obstacle after obstacle inbetween Elliot’s feet, and every single time you think that now, he’ll give up. I loved it. I loved that Leila made Elliot go on, no matter what, how she keeps him strong. During that chapter, the positive energy that the reader gets from Leila is inspiring to feel, making me, personally, wish again that there was someone like that in my life, someone who lifts you up like that even if you can’t fight anymore, and who changes your life forever in a heartbeat without expecting anything back. And maybe, the fact that I could picture every single scene of their story in my head, as if it was my own, or that every station Leila & Elliot reach on their way reminded me alot of the relationship between Margo & Quentin in John Green’s book “Paper Towns”, captured me even more in this particular chapter that as soon as I had finished it, I wanted to go back and read it all over again.

Sonia
This storyline was a bit hard for me to grasp, as it is said that Sonia and Leila are about the same age, but from the style of writing, it seems as if Sonia is at least 5 or 6 years older – she has lost her boyfriend to a heart failure 7 months back, leaving her with a constant hate for herself because she has fallen in love with somebody else just shortly after said boyfriend died, struggling with going public with it, scared of hurting and disappointing his family who have taken her in with open arms. The problems Sonia is facing are probably the most grown-up throughout the entire book, and maybe the ones I can relate the least to. Not because I am not grown-up myself, but because I have never been in a situation like she is. And the connection Leila and she made seemed somewhat “misplaced” to me, because it felt more like two sisters – Sonia the older, settled one, Leila the younger, wild one, – than two total strangers meeting, with one of them changing the other one’s life forever. And somehow, that storyline didn’t fit in with the other three for me. I loved the outcome of it, nevertheless – I even shed one or two tears, so that has to count for something.

And then, there is…Leila
I have to admit, I was a bit surprised when I reached the book at about 85% (I read it on my Kindle), and the last chapter was all about her. I was wondering what exactly would come up now except the fact that Leila had, in fact, finally gotten to see the Northern Lights. But I was pleasantly surprised with one last, very touching storyline, maybe the one some readers waited for ever since they started this book. Leila’s does one last “road trip”, encounters total strangers one last time, is greeted by the same amount of kindness that she seemed to have dedicated her life to herself, and during it, finally finds herself, where she truly belongs to. And Alsaid saved up to solve the mystery about her until that last storyline/chapter – which is probably one of the smartest things he could have done, and one of the things that made his debut novel such an amazing one. And once again – a few tears wanted to escape my eyes at the end.

All in all, this book (to me) was totally riveting, thrilling, absolutely touching and above all, a very very enjoyable piece of literature.

Book Review: E. Lockhart – “We Were Liars”

Cadence Sinclair Eastman comes from an old-money family, headed by a patriarch who owns a private island off of Cape Cod. Each summer, the extended family gathers at the various houses on the island, and Cadence, her cousins Johnny and Mirren, and friend Gat (the four “Liars”), have been inseparable since age eight. During their fifteenth summer however, Cadence suffers a mysterious accident. She spends the next two years—and the course of the book—in a haze of amnesia, debilitating migraines, and painkillers, trying to piece together just what happened. (Source: amazon.com)

I am probably the only person who did not read this book because she wanted to know what all the fuzz was about, but because it was suggested to me on amazon and the mixed reviews got me curious.

And it only took me less than 6 hours to finish it because I just couldn’t put it away for a minute.

At first, I was not sure what to make of it. All the different characters, the way that the narrator – Cadence, – is explaining all the different family members, the living circumstances on the island was somewhat really confusing for me at the beginning. It reminded me a lot of “A Casual Vacancy” by Joanne K. Rowling, which is the worst book I’ve read in my entire life. But then, all things fell into place.

The lovestory between Cady and Gat, her Aunt’s boyfriend’s nephew, is somewhat just like how teenage lovestories are: they meet in their holidays, fall in love, and when they’re back home, they forget about that summer fling. Not Cadence. While Gat seemingly has moved on with a girlfriend in New York, she realizes how far she has fallen for him. To me, it made her more human; a human with flaws who has no saying about who she loves, who cannot control her feelings and who, despite the circumstances, never give up on hoping for her Happy End. Cady takes the reader on her journey to not only find herself, but also, find out who her family is.

After the accident, which E. Lockhart described a bit hazy (in my personal opinion), so that I had to read it twice to actually understand what happened, the reader is constantly confronted with the fact that Cady suffers from a severe amnesia that goes along with constant migraine attacks that knock her out for days at times. That is probably the only thing that bugged me about the book: over and over, the reader is told how bad her condition is, how bad her headaches and sickness is, and it can become somewhat annoying. Because I think it’s enough if you get introduced to a problem ONCE, it doesn’t need to be slapped into your face over and over again. She’s sick, she suffers, WE GET IT.

The reason I read this book in such a short amount of time was that as soon as I knew something was off about Cady’s “accident”, I was dying to know what it was; I am just that sort of very curious person. Plus, the love story between her and Gat becomes even more complicated, and although they seem to fall back into what they were two summers ago, they’re not really back to where they’ve left off, if that makes any sense at all. Gat behaves oddly enough to cause a distance between them that Cady desperately tries to overcome. The more clues the reader gets throughout the part of the book (after the accident) – little hints by her aunt Carrie’s strange behaviour at night, her cousin’s nightmares and slip of tongue once,  her hovering mother, – the more curious he/she gets. At least that’s what happened to me.

And just when you think that you have found out what happened, when it seems crystal clear and you start thinking “That’s it? That’s the huge mystery?”, E. Lockhart presents the shocking truth. Which, I have to admit, hit me right in the stomach, because I did not expect it. And although the reader is a bit…left out in the open about how, after Cady comes back to the island two years after the “accident”, things worked out with the “Liars”, without further explanations (not going into details about these “explanations”, as I don’t want to give away anything; people who might read this will understand once they read the book themselves), I, personally, felt content with the ending. I still felt that there was a closure for me to all the secrets, the strange behaviours, the gaps that opened up between Cady, her family and especially the “Liars”, whom she spent every single summer with, being as close as you can be with friends. I didn’t need any more descriptions. And the fact that I read this book without any expectations, as so many others did, helped me to not being disappointed by the ending. Because in my opinion, there really is NOTHING to be disappointed about.

The book shows the abysses of a very patriarchic family, driven by love, envy, lies, racism, money and expectations that all seem to lose their meaning as soon everybody is confronted with a shocking incident. All that matters then is to stick together and keep what’s left of that family together as good as possible – no matter the consequences.

Blood is thicker than water. And apparently, a family tree is stronger than even the most shocking events.

Remember your very first story?

I do remember it, vividly. It was something that was placed in the “Star Wars” universe just after the 2nd prequel back in 2002″, and after I read a novel that was centered inbetween “The Phantom Menace” and “Attack Of The Clones”. I remember reading that book and somehow ended up writing my own short story. When I remenisce now, and when I look back at what and how I was writing back then, a shiver goes through me. It was bad. Like, really bad. I can’t believe the grammar I used back then. But still, they were my first attempts in writing, and I still remember the vivid fantasy I had back then, making things up that would probably never happen (welcome to my life).

But what I remember more vividly is 5 years back. I had just finished my job training 2 years earlier, and I was massively unhappy with where I’ve worked. Since those first tries in writing as a teenager, with all the “Star Wars” centered stories, my biggest dream had been to become a professional writer one day. I knew I wasn’t even close to be as good as others were, and maybe never would be, but that never diminished my love for books or texts. On the contrary: somehow, I felt challenged. Then, one day, I got my hands on a copy of “Face Of Death” by Cody McFadyen, and soon after (just because this is one of the goddamn best books that have ever been written in the history of books and writing), “Shadow Man”, which was the first book of the series. And when I was finished, I knew what I wanted to do.

Writing my own story.

Not a short story this time, like all those years before, no. A long one. A real book.

And thanks to these two amazing books, my brain was practically overflowing with ideas. I had no idea where to put them, because they were so many and they came to me in such a rush that I didn’t know what to write first. Before I knew, I had finished 9 or 10 chapters. I was on a roll, how writers like to describe their very inspirational phase. I had quite a few people/friends read a few excerpts of what I had written down so far, and everyone of them was pleasantly surprised of what I had brought to paper. They urged me to go on, telling me they wanted to read more (which, of course, I couldn’t do because I still had planned to one day publish that exact piece of work, and what good would it do if a lot of people already knew every single bit of it?). That was most likely my biggest and most productive time in the writing process. Whenever I got a good comment or critics, it kept me going, kept inspirations, ideas and motivation flow into my head like a river. I had even created my own cover (see picture above) and had researched about certain places and death methods in the USA, etc. I loved this process.

Then time took its toll, and things in my life happened that stopped me being able to write anymore. By then, I had already started on writing the very last chapter (without even knowing much about what was happening inbetween – I had stopped writing the “normal” chapters in a row when I reached the 15th chapter, then started on the final chapter because I had a great idea of revealing everything), and without sounding bigheaded: it was amazing. I absolutely loved it. But somehow, I had lost my spirit. I just stopped writing because I didn’t get any feedbacks anymore. I didn’t ask people to read what I had written down because I had started doubting myself. My ability to write anything decent that I could live with had slowly faded, and whenever I read back what I had put onto paper, I wanted to take it and crumple it up, burn it immediately, because I thought “What kind of crap is that?”. I know I was in a self-destructive phase, concerning my writing career. I went from having the brightest future planned ahead in my mind from zero ability and motivation to write whatsoever. Years passed where I regretted bygone times, where I dearly missed the times where I could write all day and night and didn’t think I would ever be able to go to bed without writing at least one whole chapter, and I have never been able to relive those times, I was caught in such massive self-doubts that I stopped believing that I would ever start writing again, let alone on that long story I had done so far – because I had started to despise it.

And then last year happened, when I started this blog. First meant as nothing but a theatre based blog where I could write down my experiences in german and London theatres/musicals, or travel experiences, it soon turned into a blog where I first started writing about books I’ve read – until I published my first Short Story on here. I don’t know how it happened – it was probably one of my friends starting publishing short stories on her own wordpress blog, too, – but that was the moment I slowly stopped thinking I wasn’t capable of writing anymore. I didn’t get much feedback on what I expressed on here, but the few things I got from some people motivated me. I was back on a roll, even if only very slowly, and I’m not even close to be back where I used to be 5 years ago.

Today, I have published 4 whole Short Stories on here, but somehow, I could never forget that first story I wrote. The first real story. The one that I originally had planned and dreamed of being published. The one where I had put in so much love and sweat and work and inspiration and effort. It always drifted around in the back of my head whenever I sat down to write a blog or a story or even a letter to a friend. I could never forget it, like a long lost love. And still, for 5 years, I hated it after I had given up on it, and whenever I re-read it, I was hating myself for the crap I had written down. But somehow, I could never throw it away or delete it from my harddrive, even if I would maybe never look at it or take it into my hands again. But two days ago, I took all my courage and will and got it out.

Since then, I have made a promise to myself: write at least 1.000 words a day after work. I have begun to translate it into english (as I had originally written it in my native language, german, but now prefer the english language way more), and re-write it anew. Putting in some changes here and there, especially the parts where it lacked a lot of logic in retrospect (which was probably the reason why I hated it so much). Right now, every day there is enough in my head to keep to my daily goal of 1.000 words, today it were even 1.800, and I feel like this time, I can really finish what I’ve started. After all, that one story had been my baby. The one thing that back then meant more than anything to me. It had held the promise of a better life for me, for my biggest dream to come true, to escape the dull and lonely life I was living and nowadays somehow have come to live again, because hands down: life and people never stop changing, the world never stops turning just because you need it to stop.

And the thought of finally giving that one dream that I gave up on 5 years ago another chance of coming true is beautiful. I know I am by far not a good writer, there are loads and loads of good writers out there, who have more potential than me and do not need a dictionary by their side while they’re typing. But I also know that I finally found some confidence again to fulfil my dream, to trust myself again with the feeling that I actually CAN do it this time. That I can finish what I started, no matter how long it will take. And that this time, hopefully, I will not let myself doubt my abilities because of the lack of feedback or support I get, because of so-called friends’ ignorance and lack of caring for what means a hell of a lot to me. I feel motivated again to start all over with what I have started 5 years back, with finding that one special potential in my 1st real story that I have seen in it all these years back.

And I hope to one day being able to present my story to the world.

Book Review: Jenny Lawson – “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”

Jenny Lawson realized that the most mortifying moments of our lives—the ones we’d like to pretend never happened—are in fact the ones that define us.
In the #1 New York Times bestseller, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”, Lawson takes readers on a hilarious journey recalling her bizarre upbringing in rural Texas, her devastatingly awkward high school years, and her relationship with her long-suffering husband, Victor. Chapters include: “Stanley the Magical, Talking Squirrel”; “A Series of Angry Post-It Notes to My Husband”; “My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking”; “And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane.” Pictures with captions (no one would believe these things without proof) accompany the text. (Source: goodreads.com)

How do you explain this book to anybody who has neither heard of it nor read it themselves? Answer: you can’t, which will make this blog post a lot of fun. Two things that are for sure about it, though: 1. I have never read a better and more entertaining book than this one, having me more than once in stitches including stupid grinning on the bus home and, as a result of that, weird looks from my felllow bus companions. And 2., never in my life have I used so many bookmarks in a book before (thank God I have it as a Kindle version, I guess. Would be funny to look at if on my bookshelf otherwise). There’s not one page in this book that will not make your fingers wanting to switch over to the “Put to bookmarks” button, I guarantee you.

For starters, Jenny Lawson didn’t have the best and wealthiest childhood in the world, if you think about money. With what she grew up were experiences. Weird experiences. Loads of them. For example, one day, her father, who was a taxidermist and always brought dead (or almost dead, that is) animals home for Jenny and her sister to play with. One of those lovely things was a little racoon called Rambo who attacked Jenny’s sister when they were little and Jenny described it as “…and it was totally awesome.” Or the part where she says that if the reader can’t take a book as disturbing as hers (with talking about standing in a dead animal in her father’s taxidermy shop), they should “get another book that’s less disturbing than this one. Like one about kittens. Or genocide.” Sadly, I am not making this up, this is exactly how it’s described in the book.

I know that mostly all of the experiences Jenny makes in this book, throughout her life, with a gang of turkeys (or, according to her father, “big quails”) following her around school, wild animals like racoons, cougars or goats showing up right next to your head all of a sudden, being an outcast at school, having more than one miscarriage, experiencing drugs, are not the stuff you should usually laugh about (except for the first two things, maybe). But the thing I personally love about this book is that there is no sugarcoating whatsoever in it. Jenny Lawson describes it as it has happened, as she has experienced and suffered through it, and she does it in the most entertaining way the reader could ever imagine. Her life hasn’t been kind to her all the time, but she got through it, she straightened her back, directed her gaze into the future and never looked back in pity. In fact, she embraced every single episode in her life, no matter how weird and unbelievable it has been. This is an ability I admire more than anything else, because it makes the story itself so vivid, and transfers the book into a complete pageturner, and, also, grabs you by the hand and doesn’t let you go until you’ve finished.

I have read critics about this book where people said they found Jenny Lawson “annoying”, “unbelievable” and “unsympathetic”. I, however, do not understand such an opinion. For me, even during the introduction of the book, she became one of the most sympathetic writers that are out in the world. Maybe it’s the fact that she is exactly like one of my friends, Laura, is, who’s got her own blog on here (mysticmonkey.wordpress.com), and who is the most entertaining writer/person for me. While I was reading, it was like I was reading a book of a friend like Laura. I instantly bonded with Jenny when I read about how her parents once kicked her out a driving car (which was totally an accident, don’t be shocked, you’ll understand it if you read it) in the introduction, and the way she writes and tells her life story…I can’t explain it, it just got to me, and was the foundation for me admiring this author to no end.

The ability to grab a reader by the hand, pulling them in and making them feel like a part of the book, like they can’t put the book down for even a second because they’d feel like a part of them is being put down – that is an ability that is the one that I, myself, strive for one day. Jenny Lawson’s writing talent is absolutely out of this world, she describes simple, normal, yet sometimes horrible facts of life in such a hilarious way that the reader can’t help but enjoy every single word of it. And me, personally, she got to the point where even just a few sentences into the introduction, I wished I wouldn’t have started the book because I knew I would have finished it just far too soon, and that I could read this book for the 1st time again.

There is no way I can give her only 5 out of 5 stars in my rating, so I’ll just say: go, buy this book. It’s worth every penny, and it will make your life brighter and is a true enrichment to every bookshelf.

Simply the BEST. BOOK. EVER. Thank you, Jenny Lawson. Well done. Very well done.

London 23.-28.07.2014

After two months, I was finally back – and this time, I would spent almost a week here, with one of my best friends around me 24/7, plus, 6 amazing shows and one soccer game. Safe to say I was beyond excited. And as I don’t want to spam people with numerous blogs about each show, I’ll put them all in here.

Wednesday, 23rd of July: “Billy Elliot”

This was my 2nd trip to the Victoria Palace Theatre since January 2013, and although at first I hadn’t been a huge fan of the show (with not having seen the film and not even being slightly interested in changing that), but even back then I thought it had potential and it was truly hilarious. Now, after this 2nd time of seeing the show, I keep asking myself: “Why haven’t I seen it more often whenever I was in London since last January?” Because hands down: it has gotten to me. Big time. I absolutely adored every single second of the show, and the Billy we had that day – Matteo Zecca,- was beyond amazing. He didn’t impress me as much as my first Billy, Harris Beattie, but then again, no one can beat your first, right? Just as with Tomi Fry, who is just hilarious as Michael, and who always is one of the highlights of the entire show for me. The woman who played Mrs. Wilkerson, Ruthie Henshall, was flawless. Not only her dancing talent, or simply her acting, but the entire way how she displayed the Ballet teacher, and how she treated Billy. Even the moments where she got pissed off at things, or excited, or sad, they were massively impressing, and I think her acting talent is really worth every pound you invest into that show when you decide to see it. Of course, the guy playing Mr. Braithwaite, David Muscat, was adorable, and his ability of tapdancing and doing a split was a real “Wow” moment for me, considering his stature. And the little girls who played the ballet class were beyond adorable, and so absolutely talented in everything they do, and the audience could easily see how much they enjoyed their roles. It’s always impressing when you can see kids on a stage, because sometimes, they can even upstage the grown-ups with their talent. I have to admit that I even kind of fell for the songs this time, especially “Solidarity” or “Electricity”, two really amazing tunes, and, of course, the best thing about the show: the opening of Act 2, “Merry Christmas, Maggie Thatcher”. That never fails to make me laugh.

Thursday, 24th of July: “Wicked”

My birthday show! One short notice beforehand: I do not hate the show itself, because that’s the impression a lot of crazy “Wicked” fans will get when they read this. Thing is: when I booked my ticket together with my friend Sarah, we decided to go up into the circle, because she said up there you could have a good overview of the stage and everything around it. Which was more than true. The stupid thing is that back then, I did not think of the fact that I was short-sighted, and that, when far away from something, I sometimes have problems with the acoustic in a room like this, meaning I barely understand a word…which made my first experience of the show one that I wish I wouldn’t have made. And the story just isn’t my kind of thing, I have realized after seeing it. The Cast, however, was mindblowing. We had both understudies for Glinda and Elphaba that day, Sophie Linder-Lee and Emma Hatton, plus, Jeremy Taylor as Fiyero.
Sophie was amazing, I loved her display of the bitchy Glinda, the girl who thinks the world evolves around her and who’s just so dislikeable at the beginning; but still, she was hilarious in it, and her voice sounded beautiful. And Emma Hatton…just wow. That girl can sing, and wow, HOW she can sing. I knew her from seeing/hearing her on the “We Will Rock You” stage, and I always knew she had an amazing talent, but what I was honoured to witness on the “Wicked” stage that day was breathtaking. Her voice has improved even more, and the vocals she belted out were giving me goosebumps. No surprise that she got the biggest Standing Ovations together with Sophie, and that various people afterwards said to her they were shocked to hear she was “only” the Understudy, and thought that she should have the principal role.
After the show, when me and my friends were waiting for her and the others at the Stage Door, the biggest surprise showed up: Katie Paine, former Cast Member of “We Will Rock You” (Killer Queen Understudy) and good friend of Emma. We were all so pleased to see her, and it was funny to confuse people at the Stage Door when we ran up to her, hugging her, and everyone thought she had been on the show, too. Whoops.

Friday, 25th of July: Charity Football Match on Old Street
This football match took place in small pitch where the Cast member of various West End shows – “The Commitments”, “Billy Elliot”, “Miss Saigon”, “Matilda”, “Wicked”, etc. – were playing for a good cause, and it was highly entertaining, yet a bit scary to see how those talented men all turned into aggressive sportsmen with the will to fight and to win their games, and how some of them could turn into very bad losers when challenged (don’t look at me like that, even the Cast Members themselves called some of their teammates “twat” at some point!)

Friday, 25th of July: “Miss Saigon”

A show I was excited about since my best friend had made me read its summary on Wikipedia months back. I am highly interested in “War Drama”, as I like to call it, Pearl Harbor, Vietnam War, you name it. And I am really happy that this show didn’t disappoint my expectations, despite the fact that it reminded me of “Les Misérables”, with not more than two or three sentences spoken normally, but sung. In some way, the music in “Miss Saigon” made it easier for me, and almost all of the songs were absolutely beautiful, mostly due to the fact that the people performing them were total stunners. Eva Noblezada, for starters, who plays the bar girl Kim. That girl is only 18 years old, but my God, she can sing like there is no tomorrow. Best voice I have heard in a long time, and her performance of Kim was flawless. She gave me goosebumps all over, and more than one tear in my eye. I see her having a very bright future on the stages of the world ahead.
Then, of course, Alistair Brammer as the soldier Chris. I could go on all day about how beautiful he is, how fit, how absolutely gorgeous and every girl’s dream. But most of all, his voice is breathtaking, and his acting talent was out of this world. I know now that this show isn’t easy at all, it doesn’t have a happy ending, but especially the last scene of it, just before the Curtain Call, is beyond difficult to play, I imagine. And Alistair was stunning in that scene, and in every single one before. You could see how emotionally caught up he is in his role, and that makes his display of Chris even more convincing.
Also, Kwang-Ho Hong as Thuy, Kim’s to-be love interest – WOW. I totally get why he’s so well-respected and popular in Korea. That man is amazingly talented. and it’s no suprise that he got one of the loudest Standing Ovations after the show.
Last but not least, one person who also impressed me was Hugh Maynard, who played the soldier John. His performance of “Bui Doi” was just amazing, and so heartbreaking, with all the pics of poor little kids in the background. These are the things that captivate me most about shows like that: the realistic inputs that remind you that all of this is real, that it has happened at one point in history. Overall, this show blew me away, and I think I will definitely be back at some point.

Saturday, 26th of July: “The Lion King”

That show was something I had heard different things about, and it made me partly wanting to see it and partly to avoid it. I get one of my friends’ disappointment when she first went to see it years back, saying how the heads on the actors heads were confusing her, making her dislike the show because the costumes were so disappointing (which, if you compare it with “Tarzan” definitely is a true thing, I can tell you). But after now having seen it, I am glad I gave it a shot anyways – after all, it was the first childhood movie that really impressed me 20 years ago. And right at the beginning, my tears had already started running down my cheeks, because when I listened to and watched the performance of “Circle Of Life”, all those memories came back to me, and it was a beautiful thing to watch all those animals coming onto the stage, filling it with life and music, and constant goosebumps were the result. Although even the woman right next to me said how silent the sound/acoustic was compared to the tour version she had seen once, and despite the fact that this show is definitely not one that has a lot of challenging vocals compared to other shows, I was impressed and loved it. The Cast was absolutely talented, especially the guy who played Simba that day, Nic Vani. When he came on stage during his “growing-up scene” in “Hakuna Matata”, I constantly fell in love with his amazing voice.
The highlight in this show, though, for me, were 4 people who don’t even have the biggest roles: Brown Lindiwe Mkhize, who played Rafiki exactly as I always thought he should be on stage, and the 3 people playing the hyenas, Shenzi, Banzai & Ed: Sarah Amankhwah, Taofique Folarin & Mark McGee. Just wow. I absolutely adored their costumes, and together with the one of Pumba, they were my favourites and the best in the entire show, and even more so, their acting talent was both flawless and hilarious. Watching them definitely made my night, because they were playing exactly as I remembered it from the movie. Though a few things were completely different to what happened in said movie, it even gave the show more spirit, and those changes were necessary to make it such a successfully running thing on the West End.

Saturday, 26th of July: “Book Of Mormon”

Cast Change day. I wasn’t aware of that until only a few days before my departure, and I knew the theatre and the Stage Door would both be packed, because the two Principal Roles, Gavin Creel (Elder Price) & Jared Gertner (Elder Cunningham) would be having their last show. AND WHAT A SHOW IT WAS. It was my 2nd time seeing it, and I can say nothing else than that I fell in love with it even more than during the 1st time. Everyone on that stage was and is beyond talented, and it’s the most hilarious thing I have ever seen in my life – and don’t even try and get me to explain it to you, because, hands down, “Book Of Mormon” simply is something that you can’t explain to anybody. So I advise you to go and see it yourself as soon as you can 😉
As we had Jared Gertner, who is the First Cast for Elder Cunningham, it was a different experience for me than the first time, when I was lucky enough to get David O’Reilly in that role. Jared was flawless, without a doubt. His Cunningham is beyond adorable, and he has a certain thing around him that makes you forget that behind all that clothing and Make-Up there is a grown man. You can’t help but love his talent and his display of that role, and although his role doesn’t really require huge singing talent (in my opinion, that is), his voice was wonderful to listen to, and there’s no doubt about his future acting career in the USA. Still, I have to admit, I desperately missed David O’Reilly on stage that night, because for me, he is “my” Elder Cunningham, someone who makes that role even more special in my opinion.
Gavin Creel…what can I say? He was flawless, his Elder Price is breathtaking, and with just a few words, a few moves, a few vocals, he has the entire audience tightly in the palm of his hand. His talent is insane, and the way he plays his role is indescribably good. Whenever I listen to him, I can’t help but at least bobbing with my head, or tipping my feet on the ground, and just smile widely the entire time. He has this certain thing around him that makes you feel welcome, that makes you feel kind of “home”, and I am truly blessed and honoured I had the chance to see the massive talent of his twice on stage. And although I hope he will be back on the West End stage more than soon, I wish him all the best for his life and career in the USA.
Alexia Khadime, as usual, was breathtaking, can’t say it any other way. That woman is just wow, no matter what she does or says or sings. I don’t know what is more stunning, her acting or her singing talent, and she is – without a doubt – the best Nabalungi that anybody who goes and sees the show will ever get to see.
With the rest of the Cast, especially the Elders, there is massive talent on that stage. No matter if it’s singing or acting, whenever I see them on stage (I know it’s only been two times, but it feels like way more), I am beyond impressed by how fitting each and every single on of them is in their roles, it never fails to amaze me. And I hope everyone of them will be staying for a while longer in this show, because without a doubt, you can see how much they love and enjoy to be part of it, of the Mormon Family. And they just simply deserve to be in it.

Sunday, 27th of July: “The Commitments”

If you have read an earlier post of mine on here about the show, then you know how little I liked it, mostly due to the fact that I barely understood anything (I blame the thick irish accent). And I think if you don’t understand a show, there is no way that even the best Cast can help you enjoy it anyway. I had, however, decided to give it another shot. And yes, I am SO glad I did.
I have never seen myself as a soul person, and although the songs sounded familiar, I never really liked them, they’re not my kind of thing, I guess. This show changed everything, though. The Cast was absolutely on fire, and I can’t even emphasize anyone in particular, because hands down, what the guys and girls on that stage do up there every night is mindblowing. May it be Ian McIntosh, who is the understudy for Deco, and who is just one of the most talented and blessed young men any stage has ever seen, or Mark Dugdale, who is just hilarious as Derek in any way I could think of, or Joe Woolmer, who I massively adore since the first time I saw him in the role of Mickah (seriously, if that guy doesn’t make you almost pee yourself laughing, then something really is wrong with you), or John McLarnon, Andrew Linnie, Sarah O’Connor, Denis Grindel, who we had as Jimmy that day (and who was good but not as brilliant as Thomas Snowdon on my first visit last November), Brian Gilligan, Stephanie McKeon…I could go on and on. The thing is: the talent on this stage is what makes the show vivid, and even more so, makes it such a feel-good show. I didn’t realize it the first time I went to see it, maybe because I had no idea what it was about, didn’t understand Jack Squad and was accompanied by just the wrong people, but I can safely say that now I absolutely adore this show and its brilliant Cast.
The Stage Door afterwards was total madness for us and I don’t even know how to understand anything that happened that might, but at some point, Mark Dugdale re-named me “Helga” because he thought “Tanja” wasn’t a very german name, hugged me multiple times to apologize that he forgot we had already met and was just a total star, like everyone else. Definitely made that last show experience of the week the best of all. Go and see the show if you can, you’ll come out with the biggest grin on your face and soul in your feet (if you’re not like me the first time you see it, that is 😉 ).
 

Apart from all the theatre experiences, I, overall, had the most amazing time in my favourite city, with the best people I could ever ask for, who not only made my birthday special, but the entire trip. I have amazing friends in them (old and new), and I feel absolutely blessed that they could be with me during almost all of that week. Thank you Sarah, Simone, Laura, Ali, Noor, Sigal, Steph, Jus, Carol, Tracie, Natalia, Gabby, Kim and whoever I have forgotten now. You all rock, thank you for making this trip so absolutely fun and unforgettable!

Book Review: Lori Nelson Spielman – “The Life List”

Brett Bohlinger seems to have it all: a plum job, a spacious loft, an irresistibly handsome boyfriend. All in all, a charmed life. That is, until her beloved mother passes away, leaving behind a will with one big stipulation: In order to receive her inheritance, Brett must first complete the life list of goals she’d written when she was a naïve girl of fourteen. Grief-stricken, Brett can barely make sense of her mother’s decision—her childhood dreams don’t resemble her ambitions at age thirty-four in the slightest. Some seem impossible. How can she possibly have a relationship with a father who died seven years ago? Other goals (Be an awesome teacher!) would require her to reinvent her entire future. As Brett reluctantly embarks on a perplexing journey in search of her adolescent dreams, one thing becomes clear. Sometimes life’s sweetest gifts can be found in the most unexpected places. (Source: amazon.com)

I actually can’t believe it took me so long to give this book a shot; the last time I cried while reading a book was when I was finishing “Paper Towns” by John Green, back at the end of April 2014. And this book…man, it is definitely a Must-Read.

I admit, when I read about the subject in it, I thought: “No.” Because hands down, I can’t think of anything less appropriate for me to read than a daughter bonding even more with her mother after her death, considering I don’t really have – or want – a relationship with my own mother. Plus, working down a list of goals a girl of fourteen years has written down is something you may find in more than one bad romantic movie (and we all know how much I dislike romantic stuff, don’t we?) In the end, I let myself being convinced to start on it yesterday due to the good reviews I read online. And may I say, they are all more than justified.

1. Have a baby, maybe two.
2. Get a dog
3. Stay friends with Carrie Newsome forever!
4. Help poor people
5. Have a really cool house
6. Buy a horse
7. Fall in love
8. Perform live, on a super big stage
9. Have a good relationship with my dad
10. Be an awesome teacher!

I admit, reading this list that Brett, the main character, was given, was like reading the script to a bad teenager movie. And considering a mother who had just died had put these task onto her grieving daughter’s shoulders seems somewhat outrageous; it seems like Mrs. Bohlinger has never really known her daughter after she got out of her teenage years. But if the reader looks closer, and maybe even inbetween the lines, they can see the determination behind these life goals, even the love she must have felt for her. How much she wants her loved one to be happy. And yes, I can totally identify with the horror and shock Brett felt when she is presented with this list that is the only way to get her inheritance; just as her, simply the thought of getting on a big stage infront of loads of people make my skin pour over with sweat. I guess than when you’re thirty-four years old, the dreams you had as a fourteen-year old seem somewhat ridiculous and small, and nowadays, totally unreachable – people change, and so do their hopes and dreams for the future.

Surprisingly, the list Mrs. Bohlinger gives Brett leads her on a journey to find herself instead of just giving her directions to deserve her inheritance. And I love this message. They say that you should never look back on what’s been past, but in this case, I guess it’s what keeps Brett going, and what could even get other people going. In some way, the reader learns that you need to prove yourself that you can do certain things, no matter what, and that you believe in yourself, even if there will be throwbacks, like a break-up or losing your job. You just have to get going.

The love story that Spielman has put into this book can be somewhat annoying; the numerous men Brett gets to know and seems to fall in love with is ridiculous – as a person who doesn’t think life is as it is in movies or books, and who will never believe that can happen to herself, – and just as the reader gets comfortable with one of her “relationships”, things are changed completely and they’re back at square one. I caught myself twice, thinking “Oh, come on!” because I desperately wanted Brett to finally find “The One”, and to be honest, all men in this book (except for Andrew, who’s probably one of the least likeable people I have ever read about; even Draco Malfoy in “Harry Potter” grew to me at some point!) were beyond adorable and lovely. And that is a nice move of Spielman; having you on the hook in some kind of way, keeping you reading because after every “failure”, your hope that there will be a Happy End just grows – at least that’s what happened to me while reading.

And that exact kind of hope is what made me cry more than once. When Brett finally finds and meets her father – I had the picture of the moment so clearly in my head as if it was real. When she finds her former best friend, Carrie, again – man, who doesn’t want that kind of friendship that doesn’t seem to have changed even after over 18 years? The moment she chooses a dog when visiting the animal shelter together with Brad, her mother’s lawyer, and the entire bonding with one of her students, Sanquita, up until the moment she holds her own child in her arms was more than crying material for someone who so seemingly despises anything emotional and romantic when it comes to books or movies.

The only thing that bugged me a bit was that – at least to me, – it was kind of obvious who Garrett Taylor is. Maybe I’m overly perceptive, but from the moment it’s clear that he and Brett will probably never meet, because it’s just Spielman’s kind of way to play with the reader, I wanted to rush through the book to finally see my suspicions being confirmed. And maybe that’s the reason I don’t like love stories – they are way too predictable for my taste; mostly, you already know at the beginning how the book/movie is going to end. But nonetheless, not even that could keep me from not being able to put this book away, and maybe it even put my expectations higher and my emotions on the edge of overflowing when the moment of truth was revealed – because I definitely cried like a baby. And that is an ability that not many authors have these days.

I think it’s safe to say that “The Life List” has surprised me in a way that I never thought would be possible, and it just has manifested the thought in my head that maybe I should give books like this more chances to win my heart over.

Because Lori Nelson Spielman DEFINITELY won my heart over with this piece of gold.

Book Review: John Green – “Will Grayson, Will Grayson”

One cold night, in a most unlikely corner of Chicago, Will Grayson crosses paths with . . . Will Grayson. Two teens with the same name, running in two very different circles, suddenly find their lives going in new and unexpected directions, and culminating in epic turns-of-heart and the most fabulous musical ever to grace the high school stage. (Source: amazon.com)

It took me a very long time until I finally decided to read this book – it’s actually the only one that I kind of…rejected from the get go. Now, people might now be calling me racist or homophobic, but the honest truth is that I didn’t plan on reading it because it’s about a boy, Will Grayson, and his best friend, who is gay. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not homophobic in any way, believe it or not. Each to their own, after all, we’re all just people and shouldn’t be judged by who we love. It’s just…I don’t know, I just don’t care at all about gay people. They live their life, I live mine, but I don’t really care about them. They’re just…people. Like you and me. And I am not that kind of person who’d ever go out on the streets to fight for gay rights. Sorry. I’ll probably get a lot of hate for that now, but whatever. That’s not the point, anyways.

The point is – this book. There are books you read that leave you in complete awe for them, making you instantly want to read it again and wish you could then read it for the first time once more. Then there are books that you put away after you’ve finished and think that you don’t really need to read them again at all cost. This one book here is somewhere inbetween. It’s not the fault of the way John Green has chosen his words (for the first time, together with David Levithan), or the set up of the story or the characters. Because, hands down, as always, Green just had a very good hand at choosing his characters, of bringing them to the reader.

First of all, there’s Will Grayson. He’s kind of a sad character at first: a reserved young boy who lost his group of friends due to the fact that he stood up for his gay best friend. He never had a girlfriend before and doesn’t even let himself think too much about it, because he follows two simple rules: 1. Don’t care too much and 2. Shut up. In other people’s opinions, Will is kind of a robot due to this, but for him, caring too much only leads to misery, so he keeps away from all things emotional and romantic – with which a lot of people might be able to identify, me included. During the story, he changes his thoughts on things, and that change is one of the best things about the book; it’s lovely to see this kind of shy boy changing into someone who starts embracing life with all its flaws and miracles, no matter what. That alone teaches the reader one very important lesson.

Then there’s Tiny. Who, surprisingly, is everything else but tiny. He’s the distinct opposite of that; he’s ridiculously tall, and from the sounds of it, he’s also pretty “chubby”…basically everything you would never want to be while in High School. But despite that, Tiny is obviously the most happy person on the planet, the most positive gay boy you’ll ever meet in your entire life. He fully embraces himself and his life with all the bad and the good things, he falls in and out of love, he doesn’t regret a move he makes, even if it pisses people massively off. So once again, John Green manages to built a character you just can’t help but love with all of your heart. He thrills the reader with his weird and crazy ideas (a musical based on his 17-year-old life – come on, if that isn’t crazy, then what is?), and, mostly, with his capacity for enthusiasm for all things that life has to offer. And I think everybody should have that kind of person in their life.

Last but not least, there’s the other Will Grayson to mention. When the reader is introduced to him, he is a young teenage boy who is gay but hasn’t got the courage to come out to neither his mom nor his environment, and is on the edge to commit suicide. Seriously, Will is practically the darkest person I have ever read about in John Green’s books. Even Margo Roth Spiegelman (in “Paper Towns”) or Alaska (in “Looking for Alaska”) aren’t THAT dark. It’s kind of depressing when you read about how lonely and without hope Will is – which is the saddest thing, because once you realize that, you realize that there are hundreds of thousands of teenagers out there who feel this exact same way, no matter for what reason, and it hits you right in the face without warning. But just as the “other” Will, this one goes through a change during the story, and that is mostly thanks to Tiny, even if their paths only cross through pure and cruel coincidence (if you decide to read this book, you’ll know what I mean by “cruel”). And in some way, this way of two destinies crossing each other is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever had the pleasure to read about.

From a certain point in the story, there are two strings of storyline, told by each of the two Will Graysons, before and after they meet. For me, it was a bit irritating at first, because the gay Will Grayson (that is my chosen adjective to succesfully differentiate them – without any intention of insulting whatsoever!) sets the capitalization rules out of order, and for someone who’s very srict about grammar – even in a foreign language, like for me as a german, – this can be weird at first. But the way gay Will tells his story helps the reader to get over that pretty quickly, and more so, somehow, his way of telling is making it easier to differentiate the two storylines.

The end of the story…I am not sure if I like it or not, and that’s probably the main reason why I am not sure what to think about the book. Once I realized that from a certain point in the story, it moves quickly towards the end, I got all excited and actually wasn’t able to put the book away anymore. I wanted to know if the plan that gay Will Grayson and his friend, Gideon, are working out, is going to success once it’s out in the open. And yes, maybe I am a helpless romantic after all, although I always say I despise love stories, but I was really hoping for a Happy End at that point. That two boys are running into the sunset with each other, holding hands and probably riding on unicorns (admit it, everybody had that kind of picture in their head at least once in their life).

Fact is: the story has an open ending. One that lets you have your own opinion on how gay Will’s plan succeeded, and if it’s a Happy End or not, or just some crappy thing that leaves you with more questions than you had at the beginning. Me, personally, I have no problem whatsoever with open endings. In fact, I absolutely love them. I have published 3 stories on here myself, all of which have an open ending for the reader to make up their own mind. And I think these kind of endings sometimes are the best ones an author can come up with – if they are written perfectly, still with that kind of suspense that lets you sigh and say “Oh come on, really? You can’t do that to me!” And “Will Grayson, Will Grayson” is not an exception of that. It’s not as amazing as maybe (for me) the ending of “Pet Sematary” by Stephen King – but then again, NOTHING beats THAT one, and anyways, it doesn’t matter. For how the story about the two Will Graysons and Tiny is told, it is the perfect ending and maybe the only one that matters. The reader doesn’t need to know whether there is a Happy End or not, that everyone lives happily ever after, because from the way the very last sentence is written down, you just know it. You just feel it (apart from the fact that the described musical that Tiny brings onto stage makes you want to pull your hair because you now want to see it for yourself so desperately even though you know it doesn’t even exist in real life).

And the most important thing: this book tells a lesson. A moral that tells the reader that sometimes, not feeling anything, not caring can be the thing that keeps you sane, but at the same time, can make you absolutely insane and keep you from all the good things life has to offer for you. And, most importantly, that tolerance is one damn important thing in this world out there, and that, no matter what the case, it doesn’t matter at all what others think of you or your friends – as long as you’re okay with yourself, and as long as you love yourself and the ones who love you.

What better lesson is there to learn from this book?

Thank you, John Green.