Dear K(oward).

It was on this sunday 1 year ago, 52 weeks ago, 364 days ago, that you chose the easy way out, the cowardly way out – blocking, ghosting, deleting me. When, after a terrible mistake I made, you didn’t find enough love and care still there for me after over 9 years of friendship to at least try and give us another chance. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t expect you to forget about it and move on as if nothing happened. In fact, I expected you to AT LEAST say “Sorry, but I can’t trust you anymore or forgive you, I want to end this friendship.”, that would have been just the normal thing to do after so many years of friendship. Instead, just like you had done for over 2 years since you got divorced, you distanced yourself even more from me than you had already done for 24 months. I’ll give it to you – in over 9 years since we met, we NEVER fought even once, not even about the smallest, most idiotic thing. And I always felt lucky to have you as my – what I at least thought – best friend, that there was everything next to perfect between us, that we cared so much about each other that there was never any reason for any kind of dispute. We were annoyed about the same things, we liked the same things (hell, Conventions won’t ever be the same without you), and even if we didn’t talk every day or even every week over the years, when we did, it always felt like we talked just yesterday – and there was barely anything I looked forward more to than whenever I visited you in your hometown; those 4 hours of trainride always felt like coming home to me.

Then everything changed, and maybe it was MY fault for not addressing it right away, for not risking a dispute or a fight about how you changed, how you suddenly seemed to not really need or want me in your life anymore. Maybe then my worries and anger wouldn’t have piled up over the 2 years it took until I made the mistake that led to the end of our friendship. It’s easy to think of the “What If”s when you can’t change a fucking thing, but still – what if I wouldn’t have cursed so much when I was annoyed in London or at Rogue Events, which obviously made you being embarrassed by me? What If I would’ve never tried to bring you and my dear friends from the UK together when you so clearly didn’t want anything to do with them? What If I would’ve learned during the almost 10 years of friendship to just trust you’d always be in my life, that I didn’t need to feel bad if I did more to keep in touch, when it was clear that with me being single, and you in a relationship and, later, in a marriage, it would always be the natural way because I had more time to myself?

Then again, after realizing you deleted my number last year just 3 days before my birthday, and blocking me on social media, I had a lot of time to think, and to let my anger not longer being suppressed. WHY did I have to feel I had to stop cursing and basically being myself around you when I thought of you as my best friend, with whom one should feel the most comfortable around? WHY should I feel so bad that you didn’t want to spend time with my UK friends when in London that I rather chose you than them a lot of times because I didn’t want you to be angry at me? WHY did I always feel bad when I mentioned my IBS problems to you when they have been one of the biggest and sadly, most important parts of my life for the past few years, instead always trying to stop mentioning it because you gave me the feeling it made you feel uncomfortable? And hell, WHY did I never truly want to accept the fact that with me mostly contacting you first, it was because you were obviously more important to me than I was to you?

Because the truth is – I wasn’t. Because if I would’ve meant as much to you did to me (until a few months before my mistake), then you would’ve ALWAYS made the effort to read my short stories (which I always write in english because it feels more natural to me) when I finished one or needed someone I trusted to read it and give me honest feedback during the writing process. You wouldn’t have had to keep reminding me that your english wasn’t good enough or that you couldn’t read it because you didn’t have an E-Reader. IF you truly ever cared that much about me, then you WOULD HAVE made an effort; you would’ve been so proud of me for writing that you, as a true friend, would’ve sat down and at least TRIED to read my words, even if it meant looking up every 2nd word in a dictionary. But the truth was – you just couldn’t give enough shit to support my hobby/dream.

And as much as I wanted to turn back time, to never have been pissed enough to write that tweet, to go back to where we were 364 days ago, to take back all the tears I cried over my fucking mistake and losing you in the days after that, I have to admit that this past year has been the best year I have had in a very, very long time – despite Covid-19. Or maybe, BECAUSE of Covid-19, because if that wouldn’t have happened, we would’ve probably never had fallen out with each other at all. But as more time passes, I feel somewhat more free – without you, I don’t feel like I often have to pretend to be fine with stuff, I don’t have to hide some of my characteristics because you might feel embarrassed or anything. I didn’t have the picture perfect upbringing that you had – both parents alive, a great relationship to your sister, grown up in a big house with a garden, never having any money issues growing up and later, being pretty and obviously popular in school and with boys/guys. Instead, I am loud when I am pissed off, I use the worse language a woman could probably use, I am easily annoyed by the tiniest things, and I am mostly a very negative person because overall, I did not have a lot of good experiences in my life.

And therefor, you choosing the cowardly way out – deleting, blocking and ghosting me on Sunday, May 3rd, 2020, was the best thing that could’ve probably happened to me at that time, as now, I feel more confident now that I don’t have to feel like I have to compete with you killing it with your diet, keeping healthy, having a strong enough mindset to set yourself goals – despite knowing full well that that was toxic thinking because I obviously had a very difficult relationship with my body, sliding into some sort of anorexia/bulimia, and thinking I had to keep up with you losing weight, becoming thinner and looking even more prettier than you did before triggered me more than I will probably ever be able to admit.

So you throwing me away, out of your life like the trash you clearly thought I was last year maybe saved my mindset, and maybe, somehow, my life, because ever since, I feel more comfortable with 2kg more on me, not having to think “Fuck, K keeps losing weight, looking good, I’ll kill myself if I someday become the fat friend.” Plus, over the course of this pandemic that now lasts for almost 14 months, I have learned to truly appreciate the friends I had in my life along with you, and whom I always somehow didn’t cherish as much as I should. I’m closer to one of them especially since then, because I know that no matter what – I can be who I am around them at all times, cursing and shouting and whatnot.

So this is MY final goodbye. I won’t waste another thought on somebody who for the last 2 years of our friendship so obviously didn’t care enough about the over 7 years before that, about all the travels, experiences and memories that she couldn’t even at least TRY to forgive me, to give us another chance. I won’t wish bad things on anybody except my mother’s horrible husband, but…one day, I hope you’ll somehow walk a mile in my shoes, with the personal and health and mental problems and realize that all you sometimes need to get through that is to let it out, be yourself and unload your shit to your best friend because that’s what best – or very, very close – friends are actually for.

Farewell, Supernatural

November, 19th 2020.

I know it is silly to dedicate a whole post to a TV show that ends tonight after being on air for 15 years, accompanying me on my way through 11 of those 15 years. And yet, for the impact it has had on my life, my friendships and memories, I can’t help saying Goodbye to the Winchester Brothers this way. And in a way, I am thankful Covid-19 has happened, because it delayed the end for 8 months – I am in a better mental state now that I would’ve been on May, 18th (thanks, person in China who thought it would be a good idea to eat a bat!). So, here goes.

Thanks to not being a person with a lot of friends, I joined an Online Forum for the TV Show “Prison Break” at the end of 2009, resulting in finding my former best friend, Lea, (who I’m grateful still today is a friend by my side despite the distance of 400km between us!) who introduced me to another TV show called “Supernatural”. I gave it a shot when it aired in Germany, watched the first 2 episodes in german on Pro7 and realized – it wasn’t for me. Something wasn’t clicking.

Fast forward a couple of months, the middle of 2010, when the same friend (knowing I adore Horror Movies) advised to me a movie called “My Bloody Valentine”, where a certain Mr. Jensen Ackles was playing the main character, a man who was – and still is up to this day – EXTREMELY hot to look at. I followed her advice, watched the movie, was totally in love with it and had my first Celebrity Crush in years. When I realized that the same man playing a crazy serial killer was also one half of the brothers in “Supernatural”, I decided to give it a 2nd shot, this time in OV/english.

Fast forward another couple of months, with night after night spent on tumblr with memes, gifs and quotes, bingewatching the entire seasons of “Supernatural” that were available at the time (how I kept up going to work every day with less than 6 hours every single night AND looking for a new job at the same time, I have no idea), I found myself at my first german “Supernatural” Convention in Mannheim – AECON2, hosted by Rogue Events (there’s a post somewhere far down the line of this blog, if you’d like a full description of the experience).

Though it hurts to think about that first one due to the friend I met on Facebook in the months upcoming to it, who was like the sister I always wished I had, who I instantly clicked with, who shared my craziness about the show and its Cast, who loved to make fun of certain things as much as I do, and who introduced me to the world of Musicals, which honestly changed me for the better. Thanks to that special person who loved “Supernatural” as much as me, I went on my first ever trip abroad at the age of 26 – to London, where I would fall in love with the West End and its shows, and one particular show without which I would have never have found three of the best, kindhearted, wonderful human beings that I am allowed to call my friends today – Sarah, Noor & Sigal. And it all hurts because that friend who made my very first ever Convention SO SO special and beautiful, is not my friend anymore because I made a stupid mistake and she wasn’t able to find enough love for me and our friendship in her heart anymore to forgive me and give our 9-year friendship another chance.

BUT there is also something wonderful, which might or might not have happened if I would’ve been alone at The Dorint Hotel in Mannheim on May, 20th 2011 – I met the most important person in my life, the human being closest to my heart than anybody else, despite living 1.182,55km away – Susie.

I met her in front of the door to the registration room (she was part of the Staff back then, just as the wonderful Jaynee, who quickly became a star that weekend with her “Hug the walls” shouting and at a later event, T-Shirt; though I’m barely in touch with her nowadays, back then, she was like a mum to me), where my former friend and I were very amused by a trash can full of empty Red Bull cans and chocolate bar wrappers, and the first thing she ever said to me was “Please don’t take a picture” when I took one of it because it was hilarious to see what already the first few hours of the event did to its Staff. We three talked and I instantly took a shine to her, because she was so easy going and smiley and nice, and she felt like someone I wanted to talk to all the time. Then the fateful sunday happened, where my former friend and I experienced the cattle herding of “Supernatural” fans into a hallway and a room where Jensen Ackles & Jared Padalecki – the two main actors who played the brothers Winchester – were being seated for taking Photo Ops with their fans. As we somehow lost track of time and the timetable of the event and therefor missed our first Photo Op appointment with them on Saturday (we both had booked two with Jensen Ackles, as we wanted to see him up close twice with different poses and clothes, paying 75€ per photo, how crazy were we???), it was ESSENTIAL we got both pictures together, with different poses at least. But due to the cattle herding feeling Rogue put us through, resulting in screaming “No poses! No touching!”, it was a desaster for me. I hate both of mine up to this day (though Jensen looks absolutely gorgeous, of course), and I remember sitting on the floor, bawling my eyes out on that last day of the event, looking up and spotting Susie coming my way. I stood up to tell her how unhappy I was about my photos, and because it was so expensive, I wanted the chance of a do over because the photographer didn’t say anything during the shoot, but she just bristled along, telling me Jensen had already gone to get on his flight back home, in quite an annoyed and pissed-off manner. I was so disappointed and angry I had estimated her character wrong that I complained about her on a Fan Forum that Rogue ran, without saying a name, needing to get it out how wrong I felt I had been treated. Long story short – Susie saw it, read it, apologized to me, explained what had happened that day, we started following each other on twitter, started talking in private messages and she asked for my number on February, 2nd 2012 – and ever since then, she has been the most important and dearest, caring friend I have ever had the honor to have in my life. And she gave me the chance to visit her in Scotland in 2015, which resulted in my falling head over heels for this beautiful place on earth, giving me the BEST birthday gift in 2017 with taking me to St. Abbs (where, knowing I am a massive Marvel fan, scenes from the last Avengers movie, “Avengers: Endgame” had been filmed,) and basically treating me like the most delicate and important person in the whole world that day, which nobody has ever done before.

So, “Supernatural” did give me a whole lot more than I ever signed up for, and though there are parts of this fandom that I will neither ever get nor can accept to be a thing, the past 11 years have given me so much more than I could’ve hoped for when I gave that TV show a 2nd shot in 2010. I met loads of Celebrities thanks to it, I have the most wonderful and hilarious (and in parts, painful) memories from the 3 Conventions hosted by Rogue Events that I will always keep close to my heart and in my memories, and, like some sort of snowballing system, my life is the way today because of that TV Show and everyone and everything working alongside it.

So THANK YOU, “Supernatural” – it’s been a pleasure being a fan, accompanying Dean and Sam Winchester on their journey to “Save People, Hunting Things, The Family Business”. And THANK YOU to Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins, Alex Calvert, Sebastian Roché, Jim Beaver, Mark Sheppard, Mark Pellegrino, Samantha Smith, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Rob Benedict, Ruth Connell, Richard Speight Jr., Kim Rhodes, Katie Cassidy, Genevieve Padalecki, Felicia Day, Osric Chau, DJ Qualls, Ty Olsson, Rachel Miner, Brianna Buckmaster, Jake Abel, Julian Richings and all the other Cast members I can’t write down here.

And a special, massive THANK YOU goes out to the Show’s creators and directors – Eric Kripke & Robert Singer. You’ve created a whole world of monsters, demons, ghouls, wendigos, ghosts, witches and whatnot, that thanks to your amazing creative minds and Cast were brought to life for 15 years and created a space of 42mins every thursday to forget worries or problems one might have at that moment (and, very often, left the viewer with a smile or a loud laugh when Sam Winchester made a commercial for a haemorrhoid cream, or Dean Winchester shouting like a girlscout when a cat came out of a locker, or the countless times Castiel held his FBI insignia upside down).

And although I would’ve somehow loved it a bit more if the Winchesters had sacrificed themselves so the world could survive, I have to say, both of them riding into the Sunset in Dean’s 67′ Chevrolet Impala, just the two brothers and an endless Highway ahead of them, like it was in the beginning, holds some soft, fuzzy feelings for me, too.

THANK YOU.

The Power Of Music

We all know it – we smell a certain scent and it brings us memories that we have put away a long time ago. Like the smell of freshly cut grass, that reminds me, personally, always of the summers as a teen, when I used to play badminton with the two neighbor boys on the lawn next to our house.

And the same thing happens with music.

Last night, out of the blue, I started an 80’s playlist on Spotify. Don’t ask me why – maybe I can blame the Corona Crisis and the resulting lockdown that has kept me from being able to have my weekly coffee intake in my favourite coffee shop in over two weeks (seriously, though – do one, COVID-19, I need my hipster coffee!). Anyway, the moment the songs started shuffling, it was like I was thrown back into 2013; a crazy time, but also – the best time of my life. I earned about 400€ less than what I earn nowadays, and yet, from July on, I travelled every single month to London for a (long) weekend to spent time with people I met there at a musical who’s music was – surprise, surprise – all 80’s music.

Take “You Give Love A Bad Name” by Bon Jovi, for example. When I hear it, I remember the very first time I ever stepped foot into the Shaftesbury Theatre, where that song was played before the show, making you feel the buzz of anticipation.

Or “Livin’ On A Prayer”, also by Bon Jovi. All I think is about a show’s Cast Members walking through London, being generally weird as fuck in their Stage Costumes (Mullets rock!).

Or “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard. Hearing it, in my mind, I am standing next to a then not-yet-friend who was seated next to me on September 22nd in her “Franzy says No!” T-Shirt and who was infectious with her anticipation and giddy mood – which was the start of a wild ride of meetups and Stage Door antics.

Or “Thriller” by Michael Jackson – here I am, waiting in line at Madame Tussaud’s with the same friend, who not only knew, but also danced along to all the lyrics.

Or “Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon – I know it’s a sad song, but whenever I hear it, I can’t stop smiling thinking of two men up on stage, one blowing fog with a Fogmaster 5000 and both basically having a makeout session in public.

“Radio GaGa” by Queen at the beginning of the very first West End Show I visited on my very first trip to London (which was actually at the end of 2012, but you know, it started it all and there were many more visits to that show in 2013), which, up to this day, never fails to give me goosebumps. Although, to be fair – all Queen songs do that, so…yeah.

Or, of course – the never not appropriate “Don’t Stop Believin'” by Journey (actually, it has just come up on Shuffle and now I’m sat here crying) which in the past 7 years has become MY hymn for the year 2013. If anything throws me right back into that crazy, hysterical year, it’s that one. It makes me think back to Standing Ovations, Lunge-ing hopes at every visit, mornings waiting at the Box Office to get the best seats for the day, evenings in the freezing cold (which gave me my first very serious Peri-Bronchitis, thank you very much, London!) waiting for people coming out of the theatre who had become some kind of family for our group of giddy girls, just the general feeling of belonging to something where you’re not judged, where you don’t judge, where each and everyone was one and the same. And a few friendships from back then are still going strong, and I think due to what 2013 and that 80’s music brought us, and despite us all growing up more with the years, moving on, getting married, having families, it will always keep us together one way or another.

In fact, I think the 80’s were one of the best era’s of music the world has ever and will ever have, right along with the 90’s (I’ll always be a 90’s kid, can I get a “Yayaya Coco Jambo”?). The lyrics back then, they made sense, they were uplifting, they spoke of heartache, of loss, of true love, of desperation, of hope. Nowadays, all that is on the radio is various abominations of David Guetta’s style (seriously – how can almost every song these days sound the same? That damn autotune…) or songs by idiots calling themselves RIN, Capital Bra, Apache or Bausa who degrade women in almost all their songs and call that “rap music”.

So…music. Lifting you up when you need it, taking you back to wonderful times (seriously, though…how did I pay for all those trips then? How did I not have to worry a dime about my IBS or my weight gain? How could I sleep for days in Hostel rooms with at least 3 other strangers? Was I possessed? We’ll probably never know), letting you dance and sing along to songs long forgotten that nevertheless still pull on your heartstrings. It can be a song that reminds you of a dream coming true (like Two Steps From Hell’s “Heart Of Courage”, which reminds me of witnessing the triumph of our soccer national team, becoming World Champions in 2014 after 16 years of being a fan and waiting for that day), or songs that make you so giddy you turn back into a 14-year old fangirl (helloooo, Backstreet Boys!). Music is timeless, and it’s more powerful than anything else in the world.

So thank you, music of the 80’s and really, any kind of music. Like a great poet once said:

“Now I’ve had the time of my life.
No, I never felt like this before.
Yes, I swear, it’s the truth.
And I owe it all to you.”

(Spoiler: it was not a great poet, it was a cheesy 80’s movie that I still have never seen and never plan on seeing up to this day. But you got to admit, that tune’s damn catchy.)