Female, Single, 31, looks for…

nothing anymore.

I recently, after years of absence, decided to register again on an online dating website that I had been a member of a couple of years back. I’m not even sure what exactly it was that I was looking for, or if I was actually truly interested in starting it again after my last date will be 10 years ago in January 2018. In truth, I somewhat “miss” the feeling when you get to know someone, when you text each other, have long phonecalls, the likes (Obviously, I dated before facebook, instagram, Snapchat and all became a real thing). It’s that phase that somehow has always kept me wanting to get back into it, this feeling of butterflies beginning to built inside your stomach, and constant goofy grins on your face when you think or talk about the other person.

But this experiment ended just as quickly as it started again, and this time, it will be for good. Because once again, my eyes have been opened widely.

You see, I’m not like normal 31-year old women. I don’t have a defect, I have two eyes, a nose, mouth, two hands, two feet, 10 fingers and 10 toes. There’s nothing physically wrong with me despite my horribly crooked teeth. I am not lesbian or bisexual.

But still – and this is a confession that I am making because I am SICK of the questions, of the astonishment, of the shock, and above all, of explaining myself! – I’ve not only never had a relationship with a boy/man in my entire life, no. I also have never kissed a guy in all my years. And to top it all – I am a virgin.

A 31-year-old virgin.

Whenever this comes up, I’m asked the same stupid questions: “Don’t you miss something in your life, then?” Well…no. Because how can you miss something you know jack squad about? And this one: “Well, being close to somebody, intimate. Don’t you miss/want that?” Well, duh, part of the answer I have just mentioned. And the other part…I’m not really a people’s person, so…no. Not really.

I feel uncomfortable when there are intimate scenes on TV or in movies, and I don’t get why nowadays, in all shows on TV there always have to be sex scenes between the actors, always making out scenes, to solve problems, to make up again and what not. Over and over and over, as if there is not enough other content to feel the minutes and hours with. I feel uncomfortable when friends talk about sex, about private parts and all those names that come up over and over again, because I have to pretend that I know what they are talking about, that I can easily be part of that conversation, though I somehow feel like I’m not part of the group during that time.

And up until one and a half years ago I never really thought about what that meant to people my age, what it meant for me and my future relationship status. But I had a facebook conversation with a guy that I got to know through a group on there, a guy I kind of clicked with quickly, we thought similar, and we both seemed to have gone through a lot in our life so far. It was just a matter of time until the conversation would switch to my relationship status and how long I had been single. And to be honest – I absolutely HATE that part of a conversation, with anyone, friends or strangers. I feel like an absolute weirdo, and I always picture their face when they hear it for the first time, that the only experience I have on the relationship and sex side is one single hug from a man who had such a huge impact on me 10 years ago that I have not considered serious dating ever since. The disbelieve, and, sometimes, disgust, like I am not normal. And sometimes, I think so myself, because I know it’s not “normal” in the sense of the word and in our society. And I think I know the reason why I can’t seem to go beyond that first stage of getting to know a guy before I am too scared to go further, decline dates and break up the contact. It lies in my family and school situation back when I was a teenager, and no therapy in the world will probably be able to get rid of it. And that guy on facebook? As much of an asshole some might think he has been for saying that so bluntly, I have to give him credit that he was brutally honest when he said:

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you, but if you haven’t had any experience whatsoever so far, what with being 30 and all, I don’t think there’ll ever be any experience at all for you. Because the older you become, the more difficult it will get.”

It shocked me to the core then, and I guess that is the reason I stopped being a member of the forementioned dating website. I stopped believing that what that guy said was utter bullshit, and just wanted to forget it. And so a couple of days ago, I signed up again and quickly started talking to somebody who was nice, someone it was easy to talk to, but after a couple of days, the conversation swerved in the direction I feared the most, and once again, by his reaction, my eyes were opened for a second time, and this time?

They’re open for good. I’m not looking anymore for the “man of my dreams”, for dates or relationships or whatnot. And somehow I’m okay with it, made my peace with it for now. Maybe the future has a different plan for me some day. We’ll see, won’t we?

 

Book Review: Lori Nelson Spielman – “The Life List”

Brett Bohlinger seems to have it all: a plum job, a spacious loft, an irresistibly handsome boyfriend. All in all, a charmed life. That is, until her beloved mother passes away, leaving behind a will with one big stipulation: In order to receive her inheritance, Brett must first complete the life list of goals she’d written when she was a naïve girl of fourteen. Grief-stricken, Brett can barely make sense of her mother’s decision—her childhood dreams don’t resemble her ambitions at age thirty-four in the slightest. Some seem impossible. How can she possibly have a relationship with a father who died seven years ago? Other goals (Be an awesome teacher!) would require her to reinvent her entire future. As Brett reluctantly embarks on a perplexing journey in search of her adolescent dreams, one thing becomes clear. Sometimes life’s sweetest gifts can be found in the most unexpected places. (Source: amazon.com)

I actually can’t believe it took me so long to give this book a shot; the last time I cried while reading a book was when I was finishing “Paper Towns” by John Green, back at the end of April 2014. And this book…man, it is definitely a Must-Read.

I admit, when I read about the subject in it, I thought: “No.” Because hands down, I can’t think of anything less appropriate for me to read than a daughter bonding even more with her mother after her death, considering I don’t really have – or want – a relationship with my own mother. Plus, working down a list of goals a girl of fourteen years has written down is something you may find in more than one bad romantic movie (and we all know how much I dislike romantic stuff, don’t we?) In the end, I let myself being convinced to start on it yesterday due to the good reviews I read online. And may I say, they are all more than justified.

1. Have a baby, maybe two.
2. Get a dog
3. Stay friends with Carrie Newsome forever!
4. Help poor people
5. Have a really cool house
6. Buy a horse
7. Fall in love
8. Perform live, on a super big stage
9. Have a good relationship with my dad
10. Be an awesome teacher!

I admit, reading this list that Brett, the main character, was given, was like reading the script to a bad teenager movie. And considering a mother who had just died had put these task onto her grieving daughter’s shoulders seems somewhat outrageous; it seems like Mrs. Bohlinger has never really known her daughter after she got out of her teenage years. But if the reader looks closer, and maybe even inbetween the lines, they can see the determination behind these life goals, even the love she must have felt for her. How much she wants her loved one to be happy. And yes, I can totally identify with the horror and shock Brett felt when she is presented with this list that is the only way to get her inheritance; just as her, simply the thought of getting on a big stage infront of loads of people make my skin pour over with sweat. I guess than when you’re thirty-four years old, the dreams you had as a fourteen-year old seem somewhat ridiculous and small, and nowadays, totally unreachable – people change, and so do their hopes and dreams for the future.

Surprisingly, the list Mrs. Bohlinger gives Brett leads her on a journey to find herself instead of just giving her directions to deserve her inheritance. And I love this message. They say that you should never look back on what’s been past, but in this case, I guess it’s what keeps Brett going, and what could even get other people going. In some way, the reader learns that you need to prove yourself that you can do certain things, no matter what, and that you believe in yourself, even if there will be throwbacks, like a break-up or losing your job. You just have to get going.

The love story that Spielman has put into this book can be somewhat annoying; the numerous men Brett gets to know and seems to fall in love with is ridiculous – as a person who doesn’t think life is as it is in movies or books, and who will never believe that can happen to herself, – and just as the reader gets comfortable with one of her “relationships”, things are changed completely and they’re back at square one. I caught myself twice, thinking “Oh, come on!” because I desperately wanted Brett to finally find “The One”, and to be honest, all men in this book (except for Andrew, who’s probably one of the least likeable people I have ever read about; even Draco Malfoy in “Harry Potter” grew to me at some point!) were beyond adorable and lovely. And that is a nice move of Spielman; having you on the hook in some kind of way, keeping you reading because after every “failure”, your hope that there will be a Happy End just grows – at least that’s what happened to me while reading.

And that exact kind of hope is what made me cry more than once. When Brett finally finds and meets her father – I had the picture of the moment so clearly in my head as if it was real. When she finds her former best friend, Carrie, again – man, who doesn’t want that kind of friendship that doesn’t seem to have changed even after over 18 years? The moment she chooses a dog when visiting the animal shelter together with Brad, her mother’s lawyer, and the entire bonding with one of her students, Sanquita, up until the moment she holds her own child in her arms was more than crying material for someone who so seemingly despises anything emotional and romantic when it comes to books or movies.

The only thing that bugged me a bit was that – at least to me, – it was kind of obvious who Garrett Taylor is. Maybe I’m overly perceptive, but from the moment it’s clear that he and Brett will probably never meet, because it’s just Spielman’s kind of way to play with the reader, I wanted to rush through the book to finally see my suspicions being confirmed. And maybe that’s the reason I don’t like love stories – they are way too predictable for my taste; mostly, you already know at the beginning how the book/movie is going to end. But nonetheless, not even that could keep me from not being able to put this book away, and maybe it even put my expectations higher and my emotions on the edge of overflowing when the moment of truth was revealed – because I definitely cried like a baby. And that is an ability that not many authors have these days.

I think it’s safe to say that “The Life List” has surprised me in a way that I never thought would be possible, and it just has manifested the thought in my head that maybe I should give books like this more chances to win my heart over.

Because Lori Nelson Spielman DEFINITELY won my heart over with this piece of gold.